im on kauai for less than a day and already i long for home or maybe more aptly a home. what is home, is it my rented house on oahu, definitely not. is it my parents home in southern california? no. there is love there, but there is no comfort. living in san clemente just brings back memories of a past better left precisely there, in the past. however, that past follows me relentlessly. or maybe i drag it with me unable to let go and leave it behind. with so much to see, so much to experience, i long for a sense of comfort and peace, one that i believe is unattainable as long as i continue to force myself to bear the burden of events transpired years ago. so on my return to oahu, a place which has been a holding pen for my life for the past 3 years, i long for more. in the words of conor oberst to love and to be loved, to have better relationships with the ones i care about. to develop a love for the world around me, to not just see the potential in people but the beauty in their mistakes. to quote another band somehow i want to find beauty in these failures, somehow i want to find meaning in these lies....on a completely unrelated ,but at the same time completely relevant stream of thought, is it possible for humans who are conscious of the world around them to ever attain an inner peace and happiness, to live a day without pain, aware of the way we have stepped out of the bounds of nature, and become disattached so much that people think nature is sitting in the middle of a forrest, nature is everything. its just not big fuckin buildings instead of billions of species of different animals. how can one be happy in a world where 1/6 of the population is malnourished, where i am born with so many life enhancers (food, car, shelter, love) and so many more are born with so little. so finally, to love and to be loved, is not enough. that love needs to be shown to people all around the world, not just a nuclear family or the ones u care about. that can only be selfishly satisfactory for so long until reality hits. so off i am to "enjoy nature" to hike into the mountains, but really all that is there is the remnants of a world that once worked, where there were less questions and more living. i long to live in that place once so alive. i long to find my home...