i feel like im dying... my heart is beating so fast all the time, and i know it can only take so much. how much longer until it gives out? how much longer can i maintain life the way it is? im so fucking dissatisfied with almost everything i do, even the style of my writing bothers me. i dont think this is good, it just makes me more dissatisfied than i already was but at least its something i guess. any dream i had in my life is pretty much dead. i didnt go to a good college, i didnt do amazing things or have amazing experiences in college, most of them were painful experiences in a relaitionship that i thought would last forever , but turned out to be no different than all the other ones ive seem crumble and die. i dont have many friends who make me proud. i wish i had more friends who inspired me, but instead i am disgusted by a lot of them and continually disappointed. my new therapist says "when u are unhealthy u attract unhealthy friends and sexual interests and the opposite when u are healthy" i guess that is true, most of the girls ive dated and been into were not mature, and had a lot of issues, different than my issues, but some pretty fucked up issues that make having a relationship unrealistic. im not even close to being someone i would be happy w as a kid, let alone now. so right now im over writing this bullshit, and im going to watch the steve prefontaine movie and get motivated to take a small step tomorrow towards building a life i can be satisfied or maybe even happy with