Dear Alexis,

You are my older sister. You have always been there...but not as you imagined. You were only physically with my mother for nine months. You were still born. You are part of me. You are as much a part of my family as anyone. I wish I could tell you I always love you, but that isn't the case. There are days I am so resentful of you, and so angry I can barely take it. You gave my mother hope, after 12 years of trying to have a baby, you were her hope. You brought my father and mother close together, then when you were born, you drove them running in opposite directions, never to be that close again. One a stoic, the other a basketcase. My mother tries to control her loss of you with anorexia, controlling her food. My father comforts himself and all subsequent feelings with cookies, ice cream, and mike and ikes. Filling the emotional void you left with sugar. I was born on the same day as you Alexis, one year later, on april fucking 7th. I wasn't ready to handle this. I need you now, and I needed you then. I dream of you often. You are so fucking beautiful. Your compassion, your unconditional love and understanding of me. You always included me. I was always part of you. You will always be part of me.

Love ,

Your little brother James

My maternal grandfather had surgery 2 days ago, he is 90. He wrote this letter after you were born Alexis. When you think of us, remember, we did the best we could, we are just trying to get by in the world without you...

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER

(1983)

What do you say to your daughter as she sits on the crib in the nursery, staring at the newly decorated walls, the baby toys, the happy balloons , but no child to hold close to your heart, no sound only silence.

Here I am your father, I should be able to shake the earth, build mountains, shield you against all harm and wave the magic wand to make your wildest dreams come true. I search for the wand but it is not there, I muster all of my strength but cannot move.

So I question where is the magic wand and strength that I have used all of your life to keep the sun shining on you, to answer every tear you have shed to hold you in my arms to shut out the world.

Who took it away from me and why. We are good people we deserve goodness .If there is a God, then where is he? Is He too busy to help my daughter? He deprived me of my first grandchild.

I stand there helpless in my inability to shield my daughter at a crucial time of her life. Where is her little girl that I can hold and protect?

How dare you take her away from us?

I never met you Alexis, I never held you close to my heart, but you will be with me forever, you will never fade from my mind and thoughts and I am your papa-Jim forever.