The I quite smoking cigs Blues

I have an abusive relationship with the world so is it really that surprising that I have one with myself.  The real reason I want to smoke cigarettes is the need of having fire in my hands to put out on my wrists/ankles.  It's been a month since I burned myself.  I was on the phone while I did it, fighting with her.  I never hate myself more than when I fight with someone I love.  I have no shame, and I don't give a fuck if I have some teenage coping mechanisms.  It's a lot fucking better than vegging out on a couch and watching a TV show to fucking paralyze the rest of my feelings.  The world abuses me, and I was born with more privilege than 99.9% of the people on this planet.  I am fine with my body, i have never wanted for food or shelter, and hardly if ever have I been denied access to something I needed, with the exception of some medical care (but that is my decision not to work a full time job w/insurance...which is a luxury).

I don't live in Bali or Kauai or any other warm surf paradise/jungle....I live in Oakland.  I live here because I am here.  Inside of me is humanity so strong that sometimes I need to cut myself to let a little more of it flow out of me, there is too much blood coursing through my veins.  Inside of me beats a heart big enough to feed the world.  Inside of me lives a consciousness at war with itself, with shining beautiful thoughts rising out of the abyss.

I am beholden to radical change and the rest of the creatures on this planet.  I am beholden because in them I see myself.  I came into this world naked with nothing but tears and open hands and I will be there to fill your hands and remind you to keep crying.  I want to live in a world I created.  I don't want their world.  I don't want infinite pain and suffering.  I want kindness compassion, constant non stop revolution in myself and the world.  I want change.  I want love so big that I can't define it or even hold onto it.  I want to hold nothing but my compassion.  I will keep burning myself if I have to, I will tattoo lyrics from my favorite shitty emo folk singer across my body with a sewing needle and a #2 pencil if I need to, I will, I will, I will, I will, I will, I will spend everyday fighting to live to create a different world, my world, our world, or I will stay alive until the next day I have the strength to fight, I will