thursday night

Well it's been over a month since I talked to the Big Dog.  I feel pretty sad about it still.  I don't think she really saw a few sides of me, and I don't hold her responsible for that.  I don't think she saw the compassion I have, because sometimes I keep it to myself in this world.  At least, in terms of how I relate politically.  Maybe she believed the rhetoric more than the actions, because I think in my actions it's pretty clear I'm sensitive and easily hurt not just by my suffering but by that of others.  Since my nihilist turn, I don't always acknowledge that.  I'm at 130 pages in my novel.  Hopefully something good is coming out of my heartbreak and ruptured ear drum.  I'm not ready to give up on her yet and I hope I don't have to, but sometimes the seeds are sewn into the ground and I can't control how they grow.  I love you big dog. I hope you're ok.