Another letter: brutality and hard choices

I'm not so great at hard choices, obviously.  I go back and forth, I regret, I think, rarely am I fully confident in the decision.  We got in a fight and I didn't talk to her for a week.  She probably fucked someone this week.  Then when we did talk we broke up for real.  What other choice did I have?  I don't believe in victims, so there are no victims here.  I am having negative thought spirals about her and other people.  If I go to Hawaii we are basically done forever.  She sent a final message last time we talked saying "I'm not diving into anything serious," when talking about dating.  What does that mean?  I'm not ready for anything.  I'm heart broken.  I miss her.  I started seeing someone new who found this online.  She sent a text saying it was a window into me and some other really sweet stuff, basically the perfect response.  It was the exact response I wanted, from A.  A never looked.  I was upset this new person looked because I asked them not to.  All I wanted was for A to try to know me.  My best friend dates someone else I'm close to and we conjectured that he doesn't want to be seen.  We guessed that A doesn't either, but we do. I do. I want to be seen.  I want to be seen and accepted.  I realize I can only truly do this for myself, but I still want it. 

   I have been sick for 3 days.  You aren't here.  I want you to take care of me.  To share space with me.  Instead I took care of myself.  I fucking miss you.  It's been a month since I emailed you, you still haven't responded.  There are reasons this makes sense, but also it's your only avenue of communication with me and you aren't interested.  You are choosing new dates, and everything else, even the project we used to do, over this.  I feel miserable still. Just when I think it's OK that you are gone it isn't.  I'm moving out of my house in a week.  Where do I go? I don't know. Fuck. There's so much I wanna say.  Did we want different things?  Were we both honest about that? Why did you ever lie to me?  Why?  Lying is the fucking worst thing people do to each other.  It pulls the ground from under my feet.  I'm angry, and sad, and heart broken, and so many other things that I don't understand, but I'm also sick and tired and oh so tired of being sick.  fuck.