Letter # 4: Two Things and A quiet rainy morning
My shoulder feels better. I haven't used it in 6 days and got a cortizone shot so I guess that is why. I've spent the last 2 hours, waking at 7, trying to find surf. It sucks, the swell died, and I will probably save my shoulder since I'm stuck in San Jose with dogs. It reminds me of how long it's been since you've gone. You were gone last time I had the dogs, over a month ago. When did you leave? I still miss you, everyday, most of the day. I still am upset that you haven't emailed. I just got a podcast episode from you, no email. I am upset that you owe me 735 dollars and might be taking trips with or to visit some other guy, spending vacation with him that I am paying for. I don't like that. So what were the two things? I don't remember, but maybe these are them.
You said I would judge you for whatever guy you are dating now. But, that's not it. I'm judging you because it isn't me. I'm judging you because you aren't so heart broken that you can't date. I'm judging you because you are with someone else and not me. I'm judging you because it's not me, he isn't me, I'm not the one you are with. It is as simple as that. It just isn't me. There are bullshit things about how you aren't ready, about how you didn't want me and now you want others. About how you aren't spending time working through our stuff or emailing me but have probably been spending much of your time with some other guy. That hurts. You aren't obligated to me and life is unfair, but ya.
I'll be honest with you. When I see Stephanie I still want to fuck her. I want to be close to her. I spent an hour with her on Tuesday. We jumped right back into our weirdo dynamic, you might laugh if you saw us talk. It's so different than our dynamic. We immediately make fun of each other for hurting each other, for hurting ourselves, for our weirdo mental health stuff, we make light of everything gnarly and serious, you and I don't really do that. It's not a better or worse thing, but I guess part of me will always Love her. That didn't die from being with you and maybe that's ok, I think you probably feel the same way about L. Anyways, I don't think it makes sense for me and Steph to ever be together, but i see a world for you and I to be together. And I still want that, even if it is maddening.
Misunderstanding #2: When we camped with JP and others in Canada it was the night before my birthday. I wanted alone time with you, I wanted to fuck, I wanted to stare into each others eyes and be sweet, I wanted to stay up late holding each other and fall asleep touching. I tried to insinuate that wanted alone time. I left, we got into a huge fight. You wanted to be out in a "group hang." It was just JP though. Thinking back on this hurts more because you had/have a crush on him. It was the night before my birthday and you preferred a group hang with someone you had a crush on than alone time with me. I had driven 24 hours to be with you. This is what hurt me and this memory hurts me still today.
At some point I will follow in Kundera's footsteps and create my own dictionary of words misunderstood, but not today.
There's a million more things I want to tell you. I've done a lot of work on my essay, my shoulder is fucked. Weird Studies did a podcast on Ligotti, I have different feelings about sex and relationships. You don't know what I'm doing I don't know what you are doing. Sooner or Later I will accept that, but not today.
You said I would judge you for whatever guy you are dating now. But, that's not it. I'm judging you because it isn't me. I'm judging you because you aren't so heart broken that you can't date. I'm judging you because you are with someone else and not me. I'm judging you because it's not me, he isn't me, I'm not the one you are with. It is as simple as that. It just isn't me. There are bullshit things about how you aren't ready, about how you didn't want me and now you want others. About how you aren't spending time working through our stuff or emailing me but have probably been spending much of your time with some other guy. That hurts. You aren't obligated to me and life is unfair, but ya.
I'll be honest with you. When I see Stephanie I still want to fuck her. I want to be close to her. I spent an hour with her on Tuesday. We jumped right back into our weirdo dynamic, you might laugh if you saw us talk. It's so different than our dynamic. We immediately make fun of each other for hurting each other, for hurting ourselves, for our weirdo mental health stuff, we make light of everything gnarly and serious, you and I don't really do that. It's not a better or worse thing, but I guess part of me will always Love her. That didn't die from being with you and maybe that's ok, I think you probably feel the same way about L. Anyways, I don't think it makes sense for me and Steph to ever be together, but i see a world for you and I to be together. And I still want that, even if it is maddening.
Misunderstanding #2: When we camped with JP and others in Canada it was the night before my birthday. I wanted alone time with you, I wanted to fuck, I wanted to stare into each others eyes and be sweet, I wanted to stay up late holding each other and fall asleep touching. I tried to insinuate that wanted alone time. I left, we got into a huge fight. You wanted to be out in a "group hang." It was just JP though. Thinking back on this hurts more because you had/have a crush on him. It was the night before my birthday and you preferred a group hang with someone you had a crush on than alone time with me. I had driven 24 hours to be with you. This is what hurt me and this memory hurts me still today.
At some point I will follow in Kundera's footsteps and create my own dictionary of words misunderstood, but not today.
There's a million more things I want to tell you. I've done a lot of work on my essay, my shoulder is fucked. Weird Studies did a podcast on Ligotti, I have different feelings about sex and relationships. You don't know what I'm doing I don't know what you are doing. Sooner or Later I will accept that, but not today.
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
9:43 AM
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