lonely

For a while I joked with snail that I was cosmo most alone...suffice to say they didn't find this funny.  It was at a time of my life that was overflowing with friends, projects, and relations.  Though it might have been towards the end of that time and the beginning of another phase that felt something like in between...in between what? I'm not so sure.  I decided I am going to read Frankenstein, and see if I recognize something of myself in there, in the desire to create a monster, in being one, in the mystery of an unread novel.  In that novel mystery there is almost always something that feel like it changes everything about who I am.  I wish I was finishing the Devourers with the other Big Dog.  We stopped at an exciting time.  I wish she was tucked into this way too warm Hawaii bed with me tonight and that we could take turns reading to each other, and maybe exchange some kisses and cuddles...and maybe play.  I feel like the playful sexy part of me is returning, but it yearns for her right now.  It's not really there for anyone else.  It's going to be her birthday in 3 days.  The plan right now is to text her happy birthday and ask if a phone call is OK.  I really enjoyed making her present, I love when my childish side comes out to play, because ya know, it's never too late to have a happy childhood, which is what maybe I'm always searching for...maybe there is something in combining that with a happy adulthood?

I've decided more or less that I'm going to seriously look into getting an MFT.  I think maybe it combines the favorite parts of what I did as a social worker(work with individual humans ) without having to navigate the systems, at least in terms of my own values.  I already know I don't take that emotional work home with me.  I also know that I can connect to people and I think it might even be good for me to make a practice out of connecting with people instead of making a practice out of focusing on my differences.   I know this could seem reactionary to my breakup? hopefully break? from the other big dog C but I also think it is what makes sense for me right now.  Tomorrow I start a plan to dedicate serious and contained time to writing each day, writing a book, not journaling, and im scared and nervous.  I guess I'm more worried about the writing and schedule being stuck to than the quality of the writing.  A first novel...I could give myself space on it not being earth shattering, but meaningful to me and some of those who know me.  Anyways, here is to coffee in the morning, a clean space to write, and always always always a new day.