Stilllll lonely

It's Saturday night, a longtime meaningless notion for me, since I basically never work a normal m-f job. I still miss her.  It feels like I fucked up so badly when she visited.  I sent her a book of drawings that I drew and made for her birthday, but the tracking site isn't working so I have no idea if she got them.  I also sent a long email, a birthday card, and an album I was hoping she didn't have.  I've written over 100 pages of fiction, for a novel I'm working on, this week. I haven't heard from her in a month.  I didn't get any response to any of the birthday stuff, or to the long email I sent.  It doesn't feel very good.  I get that she's taking space, but she wasn't specific with the dates and I thought the communication would be better.  Something like "hey I need more space, it might be a few months," with some date she might check in by or something.  This kind of silence makes me feel like she isn't committed to even being friends, which I know eventually I'll be open to but right now I want more.  I wish I didn't fuck up when she was here.  The past is a minefield, and today is a prison break, as Pat the Bunny says.  The past really feels like a minefield lately.  I want so much more for myself, to be, to have, to do. I want so much more.  I still miss her. I'm sick of writing shit like that into here.