Technology makes everything worse

I think this is a fact.  Argue with me if you will, but you are wrong, know that.  This past Sunday I really wanted to "do something."  I couldn't convince anyone to go out, and wasn't motivated to go to the city.  So instead I settled on getting really fucking high with a roommate and watching "Predestination."  I was the kind of high that makes it impossible to really follow a movie like that, so I mostly just thought about time and identity and love. 

    Shortly, I realized I was too high to control my thoughts as I usually am able to.  Spirals began, and I thought of her.  I missed her so much it hurt, which is rare.  The pain started in my chest and flowed outward tracing my body with my veins.  I decided now would be a good time to check her blog and it felt like she was in the same place as me.  I saw posts about the sadness of two lovers who are now strangers, and our closeness.  All I wanted to do was call her, but I can't.  I can't call her, I can't email her, I can just occasionally see something online that may or may not be in reference to me.  I spent the rest of the night thinking of hugging her and laying with her and just being with her.  It consumed me.  I want to forgive her, but I can't do it alone.  The facts tell a different story.  They tell a story of someone who set a fire and walked away, not of someone who wanted to make it better.  She knows she burned me, she knows she burned us and herself, but she chooses not to help the scars heal.  At least not my scars or our scars.  Consumed by the idea that she is helping herself, she doesn't realize that being accountable and considerate to those you love is the way to take care of yourself.  So she is gone, I can't hug her, I can't lay with her, I can't tell her I love her as much as anyone else I have ever known.  All I could do on a cold stoned Sunday night was lay in bed alone and miss her, and I did a great job of that, I missed her as much as I could that night.