Monday night

It's Monday night just before 9.  I've been worried the big dog didn't get my homemade gift.  It feels strange she didn't just text to let me know.  Maybe I've been repeating myself, I dunno.  I feel so distant from her, when I wanted so much closeness.  I don't want to get better and try again.  I want to try again with her and get better with her.  I've been writing so much.  I want to write so much more.  If one good thing comes out of this breakup it is that I've been reminded that writing has always been my calling even if I wished it to be athletic pursuits.  I'm reading Frankenstein and it's changing everything for me, I kind of wished I could have been reading this with the Big Dog.  When jealous rears its ugly head I worry she's w her ex, or someone new, and is ignoring me.  When insecurity rises I worry she doesn't love me anymore, doesn't like me anymore, thinks I was a stepping stone on her way to something better.  I felt so unseen as we broke up and I wonder if I saw her correctly.  I'm not sure the last few months that I was in the place too.  I've been drinking tonight, because I'm alone, and writing didn't come easy this evening.  I'm going to drink then fall asleep and hope that one day I find the intimacy I'm looking for.  I know, if nothing else, I will continue to doggedly work for it.