communication

I try to be honest, I always have, but to be honest I'm not always telling the truth.  Like most people(yes C, I know I'm a human and have lots and lots in common with most people), I am not always honest with myself.  I often don't know what I want, who I want, or even who I am.  These are platitudes and simple but they are true.  There is a fine line between wanting to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and also wanting people to be responsible for their own behavior no matter what their trauma history or struggles are.  There's a fine line between giving myself the benefit of the doubt and holding myself responsible for my behavior.  Patterns are hard to break, and many of mine are old.  Maybe I'm a fool and rush in, I probably am.  It's easy to make up stories, to tell myself I loved her, that I was kind to her, that I had trouble sharing my feelings, that she was kinder to her ex that called her "pure fucking evil" and hurt himself in front of her than she was to me.  But those are just stories, and no matter how much truth they have they don't matter, and accepting that is really fucking hard.  The truth is, we talked so much for so long that not having her around is a shock to the system.  I thought she wanted to be my friend, and I guess not. I have a hard Time believing she doesn't want to be because it took me an extra couple weeks to realize she was gone.  I mean I sort of knew, but accepting it was another matter.  If she thinks it's worse to send her an intimate series of drawings because I felt that we were still together, in my feelings, than it is to call her names like her other ex did, then that's what she thinks, and it is probably more complicated than I understand.

I fucking miss her, I also am mad at her.  I read old text messages from her because I got a new phone and for some reason texts from 2019 were all that existed.  She changed, she didn't like me as much once she started loving me.  That sucks. Hopefully the next time I date someone I pay more attention to the dynamic shifts as the relationship grows.  For now, back to hard self work like always.