thoughts from being Hi

I am on the big island staying w two friends and their 6 month baby for a couple months.  Last night, I got stoned for the first time in a while, properly stoned.  I realized that I carry an intensity with me that other people can feel.  I think this is part of the answer of why the people I date seriously, often get angry with me. I think my intensity is felt, even if I think I'm keeping it to myself.  All my life, friends and partners have said that I'm better to be around when I'm stoned or drunk, which hurts to hear.  When I am drunk I feel lighter, but not when I'm high.  When I'm high I can't keep up with my thoughts, they are going so fast, and I often don't trust the person or people I'm with to be able to understand them.  This is what I want out of close friends though, someone who I believe can understand the way I see the world.  When I'm stoned, I realize how much I like being alone.  When I'm alone I'm with someone who can understand me.  Most of my thoughts feel like epiphanies.  Big dog hated this, but I don't know another way of being.  They would tell me that my epiphanies were obvious and this is where she misunderstood me.  It isn't about me discovering things for other people, or to share some knowledge, but that I can actually feel them and I want to share them w her because they are a deeply felt part of me.  She never got this.  She saw me as arrogant or needing to be special, which I acknowledge both of those things are part of me often enough, but the epiphanies are about feeling something in my body that I had intellectualized for a while, or that I had never even thought of before and it changes how Im going to live...seems kind of important to share.  I am annoyed at Big Dog.  I am feeling good about being alone though.  I got stoned w a stranger last night and felt that strong desire to be alone, which I think was helpful, because I've had so much alone time the past few months.  Sometimes, it is important to remember how much I can get out of time alone even though I'm hyper social.  I missed time with myself last night when I was stoned and with someone I couldn't share all my thoughts with.  I think that was a positive experience.  I am reminded that I like me, even if lots of other people don't, even if I have done horrible things, and even if I don't like all the parts of me.  I know I try, I know I care deeply about the people I'm close to, and that I am still working on being better at showing it and not hurting people I'm close to as much.  I will keep trying, I know that about myself.  I'm a hopeless romantic, an idealist in nihilist clothing, and I am the most compassionate sociopath you will ever meet haha