I'm pretty fucking angry

I realize lots of this doesn't "matter."  But, for some reason my ex is angry w me! Shocker, that seems to keep happening and is the reason I've been in therapy lately, to try to prevent that. well, despite the work ive been doing it didn't help.  She doesn't believe me, she thinks I called her last week when I didn't. I'm fucking angry I dont feel seen.  I didn't yell at her, I didn't harm her intentionally, I honestly feel In our 1 on 1 interactions I treated her well. of course I fucked up and didn't say the right thing and made mistakes, but I really dont think any of them were like SO out of line.  She is acting w more anger towards me than her most recent ex who called her pure evil, smashed his head in front of her, and said all kinds of hateful things.  Why does she have more sympathy for him?  Because he has a hard childhood? So fucking did I.  But no, she can't see that.  It feels like she just seems me as privileged in every way,, that someone my life was perfect.  well fuck you.  I have known suffering. I've lost people I love dearly, I've had more broken bones than I can remember and had fucking cancer, which is still part of my life.  I miss my dead older sister every fucking day.  I have felt alone w out her since I was a child.  I have had something missing my entire fucking life.  And this guy calls you pure fucking evil? he smashes his head open in front of you? I would never do that. I never treated you like that. I had respect for you.  And you show him more respect .  You are ready to throw me out of your life caz why? You fucking re triggered yourself w other people while we were together.  You dated a guy you called "rapist Brian."  fuck that.  what the fuck.  I didn't pull that shit while we were together.  You laughed about it.  I get that your history is personal, but I have my own history with dating people and caring for them while they retraumatize themselves and you made a joke of it.  you broke a big promise to me around something important and acted like it was nothing, like it was my fault.  I never raised my voice to you once, I never said something horrible about your character.  And yet, you stand on a self righteous perch.  You said all kinds of heinous shit to me and I let it pass because you were angry.  But oh no, I'm the bad guy? Am I the bad guy because I didn't  want to have sex for a month while you were here? Sorry I have my own shit going on that I explained had nothing to do w you.  Am I the bad guy for what? For not believing in the bullshit politics that you don't even believe in, you just are afraid to leave them because of what it would mean for your life and social circle.  Some of your friends fucking suck.  They shame you for not going to protests? The assuage their guilt by giving money to random POC ? That doesn't change shit, that just makes them feel better. Honestly fuck them and fuck you for not having the guts to say what you believe.  You told me you come up w ideas and work thru them on your own? Well fuck that. We all need help, maybe you should get some.  You are still seeing the same therapist you know sucks, because its easier than being challenged.  Fuck that.  Fuck you.  I wasn't going anywhere.  I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't going anywhere. I was there, I was there, Even when I wasn't I was coming back.  I made a commitment and it meant something to me.  You act like we are nothing now.  What because a month passed we are nothing? What changed? what the fuck changed? nothing , or something.  And you won't tell me what except somehow you are so much better off w out me? Why? I supported you when you called.  I didn't judge you for your job for a second.  Fuck this. I want more than you gave. I want more trust. I want someone who loves me when I'm most myself.  You wanted a toned down version of me, just a little edgy but not fully honest.  That's not who I am and you knew that the whole time.  Don't blame me for not liking the person I showed you I was from the beginning. I'll hold myself accountable for not making it more clear that I wanted to be seen and accepted for who I was. I'm so fucking mad at the tone of your email. Taking the high ground.  Acting like my present was inappropriate because it had silly depictions of us hooking up.  Well Guess what dude, we did hook up, That happened, and for the most part it was really fucking NICE.  So not sorry that I wanted a happy memory of our time together, That I wanted you to think well of me.  But that's my problem, I should just let you think whatever you want, but I want to care about your opinion....but now I can't , Im so fucking mad. and you've never even seen me mad. you've never once been in a room w me where I was actually mad, and good for you.  Another part of me you will never know.