So of course, on A Wednesday morning, the day after therapy, when I have a full week to my next appointment everything went to hell. Today was the day I quit smoking: I am quarantined on big island w 2 friends and their baby w no car, no access to cigarettes. I am force quitting. So I woke up with no cigarettes or ability to get them, from horrible nightmares. Steph and A were somehow combined into one person who was dating my roommate and I couldn't get her to leave my house. I was super annoyed and the guy was lecturing me and I felt a distance and a lack of love, which is not how Steph has been treating me lately and it was like old Stephanie and A put together into one person who hated me. Then to make matters worse, I got a horrible email from the big dog. I am so fucking annoyed. I called them on ACCIDENT! it was a fucking accident. it was pretty easy to realize. Why the fuck would I FaceTime call them in the middle of her workday? why the fuck would I do that? How does it even benefit me? I hoped the call didn't show for her, or that if it did she would see the time and that it was FaceTime and that I didn't leave a message or text and realize it was a FaceTime accident. But no, she felt the need to tell me she doesn't want to talk to me! oh I didn't realize that you didn't want to talk to me after you DIDNT FUCKING TALK TO ME FOR 2 MONTHS. I fucking GET IT. I get it. I get it I get it I get it I get it I fucking get it I fucking GET IT.
No fucking good faith. Oh and you didn't like my birthday presents? The ones I told you I was sending and you consented to? OK? well throw them in the fucking trashcan for all I care. They are yours , it is a gift, if you don't like it burn it throw it in the fucking trash, whatever. I thought it was cute, you thought it was inappropriate. Maybe I just wanted you to think well of me and us. Maybe I didn't want you to see a year of your life with me as shitty. Maybe I wanted you to have fondness even if we never talk or date again. But sure, I guess it's fucked up. FUCK THAT. I don't think it is. I don't think it was inappropriate. We did fuck, and I sent them less than 3 weeks after you told me you still wanted to date just not be partners, which honestly , fuck that. What the fuck do you think I think? That you don't acknowledge that you got the presents, didn't email me back, never texted me, and I think you want to be intimate w me? I fucking get it dude. When you don't talk to someone for 8 weeks it is pretty obvious YOU DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TALK TO ME. I GET IT. But thanks for the email saying as much with no benefit of the doubt. I didn't treat you shitty while we were together, 99% of the time I was sweet and loving and the other 1% wouldn't fit a single human's definition of abuse or misconduct. When I hurt you it was never out of malice and it was never physical or anything fucked up, it was disagreements over fucking racism , or some abstract political thing like fucking mutual aid. I hurt you because I was having issues with my sex drive and wanting sex for a month, oh sorry!? I'm pretty sure if that was reversed you wouldn't have even had the least bit of understanding if I was upset w you. Never, no way. You didn't respect my fucking boundaries. I was fucking crying and being vulnerable and sharing what was going on w me and I fucking know you didn't see me. You were too caught up in your own shit to see what I was sharing w you. And that's OK, I get it. I've done the same thing before in other ways, but you should fucking own it the way I own the shit I did that I wish I regret. You told me when we broke up that we didn't do anything really bad to each other. You are acting differently now, and that's trash. Your fucking ex beat himself, screamed, and called you evil and a bunch of horrible names. I dont think I ever name called you and I handled myself well when you were shitty to me, but sure tell yourself whatever the fuck story you need to tell yourself. fuck this, fuck fuck fuck fuck this. Fuck this shitty fucking day im so fucking over this shit. Oh really Big dog? you are risking our friendship because you need space? Fuck space, space is bullshit. Just say what it is dude, you don't want to be in relation w me you dont need to use a euphemism I fucking get it. FUCk EVERything
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