Well what the fuck

I'm at a mansion by the beach in the big island.  I have my own wing, and a hot tub and pool right outside my window.  Big dog would love it here.  I made her drawings for her birthday and never knew if they got there.  I worried she was dead today.  Then I worried that she jumped into another relationship.  I hate when people do that, it makes me feel replaceable, which I guess we all are and aren't at the same time.  I don't understand what's going on.  It's been like 8 weeks since we talked. or more, or less. fuck I don't know.  I don't really understand.  I don't know what her story is , what her stories are.  It's been hard to write since I got here. I fell out of my routine, but I'll try again tomorrow.  I'm going to write about snail, which is a relationship I thought I understood while it was going on and realized after it was over that I didn't.  The difference is that I thought snail would always be my best friend and I thought Big Dog would always be my lover.  I don't even know if Big dog knew that.  Not much to do in life but move on.  My therapist told me to treat the relationship like it is dead, and that sometimes things rise from the dead, but that we can't count on it.  I have fantasies of becoming a famous author, and she wants me...but I want to be wanted for who I am now.  I honestly was happy w her as she was, I didn't need her to change, but maybe she didn't feel the same way about me? I dunno.  I'm left with more questions than answers and at some point I'm going to need to stop asking questions and just grieve and let go.  But, I'm still not ready.