Fury

I read Fury by salman rushdie about a month ago and i really enjoyed/related to it. this was mostly due to the content though as i wasnt in love with his writing style. While reading the novel i got the feeling that every character was ready to explode, that everyone was carrying this stuff inside that was just eating at them and there was no way to get rid of it. i feel this way right now. i have rage, tons of rage, welling up inside of me. I have no way to get this rage out, i can yell a million times, i can hit myself, i can write, i can try anything and it remains there. The same with the melancholy that resides inside as well. I can cry a million times and still it is just as strong if not stronger. I would do anything for a release, to have an hour a day a week without these intense feelings welling up inside me wanting to explode. But, instead of exploding, these feelings are tearing me apart, and ripping me to pieces. They are destroying my resolve, my motivation, and i search for something else. I cannot help but feel that this world is not for me; that as much as i love meeting interesting people, as much as i love seeing random acts of kindness, as much as i love my friends and family, that i was born for something else. whoever i am just does not fit into this society, this way of life. Its the little things that kill me. It's getting pulled over by a jerk cop who should be doing something positive, its a person who cares more about the rules than helping someone in need, its the millions of people voting for some bullshit self interest instead of the good of billions of others. It's nationalism, its patriotism, it's sensastionalism, its all the fucking ism's that people say and supposedly believe in that are tearing this world apart and taking me with it. It's borders, its capitalism, well i guess that one fits in w the other isms but it deserves its own diatribe. its "free market." Its everyone loving their own family but not giving a fuck about their neighbor, not giving a fuck about WHAT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. its someone not letting me in, its someone taking up 2 parking spaces. Its a friend perpetuating stereotypes, when u know they are better than that. its a friend using racial slurs for no reason. its a random person thinking its ok to gaybash because well "thats fucking gross." these are all daily occurrences and i wonder, how can anyone live in this world and not be fucking angry as hell all day long. why does it make me so happy when i meet a person who is compassionate. should i be excited when someone is considerate. wouldnt life be easier if everyone was that way. Why cant everyone realize that if we just thought a lil bit about what makes our friends, family, neighbors, animals, and everything else that we COEXIST with happy, that life could be easy. Drinking would be unneccessary. Why do you need to drown your sorrows or your issues if everyone is there for you even if it is just to open a door, or smile, or wave hello. How is it possible to make other people understand that it is ok to be different, because it seems so simple. I dont think it takes a lot of intelligence to understand the concept of everyone being equal and everyone being in this, whatever this is, together. And the way the world is right now, i cannot seeing myself living in it for longer. If i am unable to find a way to change things a lil, or spread some understanding, then i will have to live out my life in some corner of the world where i dont need to deal w these everday things that are tearing at me, someplace i can just BE.