feelings!
This is something old I just published...like a year old
It is interesting to note the things that bring me back here and the things that keep me away. I come back at 4:15 on a Sunday morning with feelings of anxiety. I haven't slept and I am laying in my new person's bed while they are out partying with their friends. Snail broke up with me about a month ago, which is more or less how long I've been seeing the new person A who I met a week before the snail breakup. It's hard to have any idea where to start when it's been so long since I've written here. I guess as usual with a barrage of questions right.
What does being anxious mean for me? Do I feel this way not in relationships? How do I react to the snail breakup? Fuck, there are a million more. I am so fucking far behind right now in dealing with the shit floating in my head. I think I've been so caught up in pretending that I am ok, that I forgot to be ok. Also, part of it might be that I could only handle so many people and their opinions and feelings about me....so maybe I have lessened most of my relationships for a few years, because I am sick of the constant disappointment that I FEEL others feel about me. I'm still constantly wondering if I'm a sociopath or an empath, or what the significant difference is. Let's start with something positive.
I have rekindled a friendship with Steph who I had the gnarliest relationship of my life with. We have hung out three times and all of those times she was super sweet to me and acted like a great friend. She gave me keen insights, asked good questions, and generally just listened to me explain my kind of crazy life as it is to her right now. I am really impressed by her. I miss her and I love her, but I'm able to resist any feelings of wanting to be with her, it just wouldn't make sense. Anyways, this feels pretty important to me, the fact that we are able to so dramatically change the way we interact with each other. We spent years being shitty to each other, not knowing what to do with our feelings for each other, and just generally causing tons of pain and trauma. I'm pretty stoked that our story gets a new chapter, and I actually am stoked to be friends with Steph.
As far as the rest of my life goes...fuck I just don't know. What I have been saying to all my friends is that I'm either actually ok with snail breaking up with me or that I am so far in denial about losing someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that I can't begin to deal with it. The truth is that it is probably a little bit of both of these things, but maybe not? It is fairly horrendous to consider the possibility that I am actually that far in denial, but at this point, we must consider all possibilities.
Maybe I can try figuring out what I actually feel about snail, a bit by dealing with their narratives and my narratives, and the rest by discussing the material reality.
It is interesting to note the things that bring me back here and the things that keep me away. I come back at 4:15 on a Sunday morning with feelings of anxiety. I haven't slept and I am laying in my new person's bed while they are out partying with their friends. Snail broke up with me about a month ago, which is more or less how long I've been seeing the new person A who I met a week before the snail breakup. It's hard to have any idea where to start when it's been so long since I've written here. I guess as usual with a barrage of questions right.
What does being anxious mean for me? Do I feel this way not in relationships? How do I react to the snail breakup? Fuck, there are a million more. I am so fucking far behind right now in dealing with the shit floating in my head. I think I've been so caught up in pretending that I am ok, that I forgot to be ok. Also, part of it might be that I could only handle so many people and their opinions and feelings about me....so maybe I have lessened most of my relationships for a few years, because I am sick of the constant disappointment that I FEEL others feel about me. I'm still constantly wondering if I'm a sociopath or an empath, or what the significant difference is. Let's start with something positive.
I have rekindled a friendship with Steph who I had the gnarliest relationship of my life with. We have hung out three times and all of those times she was super sweet to me and acted like a great friend. She gave me keen insights, asked good questions, and generally just listened to me explain my kind of crazy life as it is to her right now. I am really impressed by her. I miss her and I love her, but I'm able to resist any feelings of wanting to be with her, it just wouldn't make sense. Anyways, this feels pretty important to me, the fact that we are able to so dramatically change the way we interact with each other. We spent years being shitty to each other, not knowing what to do with our feelings for each other, and just generally causing tons of pain and trauma. I'm pretty stoked that our story gets a new chapter, and I actually am stoked to be friends with Steph.
As far as the rest of my life goes...fuck I just don't know. What I have been saying to all my friends is that I'm either actually ok with snail breaking up with me or that I am so far in denial about losing someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that I can't begin to deal with it. The truth is that it is probably a little bit of both of these things, but maybe not? It is fairly horrendous to consider the possibility that I am actually that far in denial, but at this point, we must consider all possibilities.
Maybe I can try figuring out what I actually feel about snail, a bit by dealing with their narratives and my narratives, and the rest by discussing the material reality.
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
5:46 PM
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