fortune cookie

A week ago I went out on Friday with a friend of a friend and saw a few bands play in a backyard of another friend.  Got drunk and high, and smoked a shit ton of cigarettes.  Conversation with this person was actually pretty good, he was interesting and different, not a city person, so it was nice to have some other conversations that I don't usually have.  Anyways, I woke up the next day feeling fucking depressed as all hell, anxious as fuck, wanting to die. 

I spent almost all of Saturday in Bed, except for the 20 minutes I went to panda express for "dinner" and stopped to get some candy and snacks to ease the shitty feelings.  I felt so fucking shitty on Saturday that I ate my fortune cookie without looking at the fortune...I just grabbed the fortune and threw it straight in the trash can.  It's hard to decipher what that means, or why I did that.  It is a behavior that I have never exhibited.  I guess it is good, or interesting, or what fucking ever, to still surprise yourself with your own decisions and behaviors.  Or, maybe it was just a new low.  Maybe I just felt so fucking shitty that no words on paper could help me, maybe I didn't wanna pretend like I had a fortune, a future, anything to hope for, maybe I wanted to rely solely on myself to get me out of the mess I had built for myself.  I don't fucking know.