dark times
I had a close friend, sometimes considered my best friend, move back to my town this past week. He has been gone for 4 months. Him and his partner moved in with several friends of mine, started projects with them, are coming to the reading group I go to every week, and he quit the project I do with him. It feels like a storm came and is washing through me. I was excited for this for a long time and it feels like I have been sucker punched, hit in the stomach, and I am keeled over trying to stand back up. Part of me just wants to lay down and die. Part of my just wants to die. I am still scared of what that means so I know I will live, but what is a life on the ground or on your knees. I have been learning how to stand for 31 years and every day it is a struggle to get out of bed and get on my feet. In fact, most days I end up back in bed, once , twice, the three times, unable to move. I become paralyzed by fear of standing and what it means. I carry with me the pain of past lovers and friends, the shitty things I have done, and the shitty things they have done to me. I want to completely destroy the image I have of myself and write a new one. Am I strong enough. I don't know.
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