cancer
I still smoke a half pack to a pack of american spirits a day. In november of 2014 I had my left testicle removed because it revolted and had a germ cell malignant tumor, or more easily, I had testicular cancer. For some reason I decided to only tell my family and a few other people. I mostly kept it to myself. As much as I regret anything, I regret this. If it ever happens again I will reach out to more friends. I was dating Stephanie at the time, who was as supportive as I believe she was capable of being. She still cheated on me, probably during my surgery, and definitely the week after, but that is irrelevant.
I had the week off work this week and had all these ideas and expectations for myself..I will get out of town. I'm gonna go on a surf trip. I'm gonna read and write. The best I did was go surfing on Thursday for an hour and a half in Santa Cruz, but whatever, it was something. I spent a few days laying in bed most of the day and ate a bunch of junk food. fuck. that is what i hate about myself. The other thing I hate is feeling that I am too much for the people I am close to, and constantly misunderstood.
It's Saturday night, or Sunday Morning, at 1am now. I spent the evening with G, a person I've been dating for a month. They asked me to come home with them, but I came to my home, alone. I felt a deep emptiness hanging out with them in my chest tonight. I don't really understand why...I am attracted to G, G is really smart and interesting and wild and fun. I don't get it. I spent a lot of the night thinking about Snail. I'm totally in love with Snail, and am trying to figure out what that is going to look like. Right now , it seems they are interested in about one hang a week and it often feels like they love me too. Our last hang felt kinda off....they were having a bad night, feeling angry at themselves and the world, and I was trying to hang without caretaking too much or at least in a healthy way. I dunno, it's fucking hard and confusing to be in a healthy relationship. I have never been in one this long before, it's been 4 months. I guess I am gonna keep doing what I have been doing, which is taking it slow and letting it happen and appreciating the fact that Snail has boundaries and refuses to lose themself in this thing we have with each other.
Tomorrow is another day, I will keep trying until I am dead.
I had the week off work this week and had all these ideas and expectations for myself..I will get out of town. I'm gonna go on a surf trip. I'm gonna read and write. The best I did was go surfing on Thursday for an hour and a half in Santa Cruz, but whatever, it was something. I spent a few days laying in bed most of the day and ate a bunch of junk food. fuck. that is what i hate about myself. The other thing I hate is feeling that I am too much for the people I am close to, and constantly misunderstood.
It's Saturday night, or Sunday Morning, at 1am now. I spent the evening with G, a person I've been dating for a month. They asked me to come home with them, but I came to my home, alone. I felt a deep emptiness hanging out with them in my chest tonight. I don't really understand why...I am attracted to G, G is really smart and interesting and wild and fun. I don't get it. I spent a lot of the night thinking about Snail. I'm totally in love with Snail, and am trying to figure out what that is going to look like. Right now , it seems they are interested in about one hang a week and it often feels like they love me too. Our last hang felt kinda off....they were having a bad night, feeling angry at themselves and the world, and I was trying to hang without caretaking too much or at least in a healthy way. I dunno, it's fucking hard and confusing to be in a healthy relationship. I have never been in one this long before, it's been 4 months. I guess I am gonna keep doing what I have been doing, which is taking it slow and letting it happen and appreciating the fact that Snail has boundaries and refuses to lose themself in this thing we have with each other.
Tomorrow is another day, I will keep trying until I am dead.
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
1:20 AM
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