amy

Just watched the Amy Winehouse movie with a close friend C.  It was like going through my relationship with Stephanie all over again.  The ups and downs, abuse, self harm and spiral of self destruction.  It's funny how self destruction can be so different than destroying yourself.  Self destruction is more like complete self absorbtion and being resigned to your fate, while the act of destroying yourself is to create a nothing to create out of.  I am finally trying harder and harder to the the destroying of the self instead of the self destruction.  It's so easy to think about us meeting up and me being covered in blistered from burning myself and her being covered in cuts from cutting herself and feeling like there was some kind of special bond over our self destruction.  It was completely exhausting...and I will always have some relationship with that thing, but no longer will it define me.