wah wah wah
This feels mostly woe is me complainy, but if there is a place for that in my life, it is here. Anyone reading this is most likely a stranger since I don't really tell anybody about this site. so...ya.
So Snail and I have wonderful hangouts, our actual time together is amazing. The deal is that they want space, a lot of space. That in and of itself is not the problem though. The problem is the way I am feeling right now. So I saw Snail July 3rd and 4th after not seeing them for a while. Then we took another pretty big break and had a sleepover a week ago. We didn't really hang except for a brief hour or two this past thursday when i dropped off something they wanted. Then they spent the weekend hanging with other friends datey ppl etc. Then, I got an email from them yesterday where they were saying it had seemed like our expectation was to talk everyday....which is not how i feel or see it. Also, I feel like we text an even amount and that they initiate it quite a bit of the time. The other thing is that I don't want to be constantly monitoring our levels of communication, I want it to be more natural, but I don't see how that can be right now. But, I leave out the heart of the story.
The real problem for me is that I feel that everytime we get closer and more intimate, physically, mentally, and emotionally, they begin to pull away. It is hard not to feel that they resent me or us for being close. I know they have past stuff, and whatever they want is fine...but it sucks to be reminded of Stephanie. Stephanie famously looked at me and said "I hate you for knowing so much about me, I hate you because I love you, I hate you because you love me." While I can understand how someone who has been hurt would have those feelings, I don't fucking want that. I want to be close to someone who feels good when we are close and more intimate and know each other better. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don't want to be in this position again. I don't know that this is the position I am in, but it feels like it. I don't know if I can live 5 minutes away from someone I love and see them once every 10 days. I don't know if this is gonna work and it makes me mad. I want to have something more lasting, that goes deeper, that has the joy my relationship with Snail has. I don't know if I can or want to do it like this and I am mad that it might not work out. I am not mad at them, but the situation. I am not going to push through another painful situation forever like I did with Stephanie. I refuse to do that to myself. I want to fucking burn the shit out of myself, I want to punch myself in the face until I am out cold, I want to destruct, but I fucking can't do that either. I don't really want that. So I am gonna fucking settle for cigarettes and patience and try to have an honest and direct conversation with Snail whenever that happens. FUCK
So Snail and I have wonderful hangouts, our actual time together is amazing. The deal is that they want space, a lot of space. That in and of itself is not the problem though. The problem is the way I am feeling right now. So I saw Snail July 3rd and 4th after not seeing them for a while. Then we took another pretty big break and had a sleepover a week ago. We didn't really hang except for a brief hour or two this past thursday when i dropped off something they wanted. Then they spent the weekend hanging with other friends datey ppl etc. Then, I got an email from them yesterday where they were saying it had seemed like our expectation was to talk everyday....which is not how i feel or see it. Also, I feel like we text an even amount and that they initiate it quite a bit of the time. The other thing is that I don't want to be constantly monitoring our levels of communication, I want it to be more natural, but I don't see how that can be right now. But, I leave out the heart of the story.
The real problem for me is that I feel that everytime we get closer and more intimate, physically, mentally, and emotionally, they begin to pull away. It is hard not to feel that they resent me or us for being close. I know they have past stuff, and whatever they want is fine...but it sucks to be reminded of Stephanie. Stephanie famously looked at me and said "I hate you for knowing so much about me, I hate you because I love you, I hate you because you love me." While I can understand how someone who has been hurt would have those feelings, I don't fucking want that. I want to be close to someone who feels good when we are close and more intimate and know each other better. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don't want to be in this position again. I don't know that this is the position I am in, but it feels like it. I don't know if I can live 5 minutes away from someone I love and see them once every 10 days. I don't know if this is gonna work and it makes me mad. I want to have something more lasting, that goes deeper, that has the joy my relationship with Snail has. I don't know if I can or want to do it like this and I am mad that it might not work out. I am not mad at them, but the situation. I am not going to push through another painful situation forever like I did with Stephanie. I refuse to do that to myself. I want to fucking burn the shit out of myself, I want to punch myself in the face until I am out cold, I want to destruct, but I fucking can't do that either. I don't really want that. So I am gonna fucking settle for cigarettes and patience and try to have an honest and direct conversation with Snail whenever that happens. FUCK
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
5:35 PM
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