snail

On Wednesday I emailed Snail and told them that I haven't been feeling great about our time apart and that I wanted to have a talk about my feelings.  They emailed me back and said let's talk tomorrow and so we did.  They came over after work thursday night and we had a really nice talk.  I was nervous it was going to be a big thing and they were super caring and gentle and honest and I felt like I was able to really express my feelings.  I told them that it feels like they pull apart the closer we get and that this hurts and they agreed this was happening and we decided to keep talking about it and try to change how that looks.  We talked about what space looks like and how neither of us were looking for a relationship, but that we met each other and that changed things.  We talked about problems in past relationships and how we would act differently now.   It was really sweet.

Then we made out for a really long time and did our mutual violence thing and at the end of it we just held each other really really tight and they cried and I licked all their tears...so sweet

So...I wrote that a couple days ago and now I have time to come back to it.  I am having kind of a weird day.  I got way too much sun this week, everyday at work for several hours and like 5 more hours yesterday jumping off cliffs and reading in Santa Cruz.  Just walked with my friend J for a while but I am feeling pretty fucking anxious.  Thinking about texting snail, or emailing them, but I think this feeling is something I have to work out for myself.  I wanna take klonepin but don't think I can find where I put it, or if I even have any left. 

Ugh, I still want to keep in conversation w Snail.  I especially want to talk about them saying they want to hang out an equal amount w their friends.  This seems impossible to me and I reject the idea of equality so it's especially difficult.  I feel like we hang w people in phases, things are fluid, and it's hard that we are so into hanging w each other and it is so great, but that they are trying to keep things equal.  It is something to keep in conversation about, but it is hard when I know they said to me once that they are "really trying to resist spending all their time w me."  I'd like to find middle ground between once every week or two and all our time, so I guess we need to talk about what that looks like more.  I miss them right now, and it sucks that hanging with them and talking and being close would instantly make me feel better now.  I've felt this before though , and I want to be able to feel better on my own or with a multitude of people....so I guess I will try and figure out how to do that.