klonopin
I really like klonopin. I take it pretty rarely. But, I quite enjoy myself when I do. It's not like woo woo im partying, more like yay my anxiety is gone and I can just peacefully exist for a few hours and hopefully get a good nights sleep.
Last night I went out to a mellow show at a house near mine. I spent the entire night talking to C's friend K who was just in town for a night. He was challenging, interesting, a bit hokey, but great stranger company. I was able to talk about some of my city life social group bullshit with someone who couldn't relate, at all. This person travels all the time, lives out of a van, and is just totally different in the way they go about their life. There was something beautiful in that conversation, the beauty of talking to a stranger when there is no pressure of building a friendship. I found a note from him this morning on my desk:
Cosmo,
It was so nice going to the music party with you last night. Butterflies and Rainbows.
- K
perfect. perfect. perfect.
Despite this I woke up today in the funk of all funks. Anxiety, depression, lethargy, whatever you wanna call it. it was brutal, I spend 90% of my day in bed watching dumb shit on my computer. It wasn't until I took 2 klonopin at 7 that I walked outside, looked at the moon, and returned to my room to actually read. The main character in the book I am reading reminds me of Alexis, my older sister, still born exactly one year before I was born. I miss her right now, so much. At my loneliest I think of her, at the peak of my happiness I do too. She chose not to come here, to know me, to live with me. I chose to come here, to fight and scrap and barely escape to get where I am now, which , i dunno, is somewhere. Anyways, just thinking about Alexis brings up so much for me. My younger brother was named after her, and we currently have what I consider to be a strained and not close relationship, which is a pretty big bummer for me. Somehow, I am much closer with my sister these days. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. Sometimes 18 years of living together in a fucking horrendously emotionally charged nightmare of a house, is too much to move past, the resentment too strong. Alexis was never there for that, but I was. I was the oldest, the experiment, the golden boy...I just wanted to be, but that was not an option. I've spent a lot of time learning how to just be, and it has been one of the greatest battles of my life. So alexis, if you are out there somewhere, know I love you and miss you, and wish I could look at you and hug you.
On the bright side, Snail and I are doing fabulously. It is hard to explain how awesome being with Snail is. I feel free to explore and express my desires and we have so many so many so fucking many mutual desires, we have a positive feedback loop of good feelings, ugh. They just texted me that I am a very cute and important walrus, and that feels so nice. The 12 hours bone chilling anxiety I had today have finally come to an end, thanks to benzos and a snail. Ugh, now back to reading Tom Robbins.
Last night I went out to a mellow show at a house near mine. I spent the entire night talking to C's friend K who was just in town for a night. He was challenging, interesting, a bit hokey, but great stranger company. I was able to talk about some of my city life social group bullshit with someone who couldn't relate, at all. This person travels all the time, lives out of a van, and is just totally different in the way they go about their life. There was something beautiful in that conversation, the beauty of talking to a stranger when there is no pressure of building a friendship. I found a note from him this morning on my desk:
Cosmo,
It was so nice going to the music party with you last night. Butterflies and Rainbows.
- K
perfect. perfect. perfect.
Despite this I woke up today in the funk of all funks. Anxiety, depression, lethargy, whatever you wanna call it. it was brutal, I spend 90% of my day in bed watching dumb shit on my computer. It wasn't until I took 2 klonopin at 7 that I walked outside, looked at the moon, and returned to my room to actually read. The main character in the book I am reading reminds me of Alexis, my older sister, still born exactly one year before I was born. I miss her right now, so much. At my loneliest I think of her, at the peak of my happiness I do too. She chose not to come here, to know me, to live with me. I chose to come here, to fight and scrap and barely escape to get where I am now, which , i dunno, is somewhere. Anyways, just thinking about Alexis brings up so much for me. My younger brother was named after her, and we currently have what I consider to be a strained and not close relationship, which is a pretty big bummer for me. Somehow, I am much closer with my sister these days. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. Sometimes 18 years of living together in a fucking horrendously emotionally charged nightmare of a house, is too much to move past, the resentment too strong. Alexis was never there for that, but I was. I was the oldest, the experiment, the golden boy...I just wanted to be, but that was not an option. I've spent a lot of time learning how to just be, and it has been one of the greatest battles of my life. So alexis, if you are out there somewhere, know I love you and miss you, and wish I could look at you and hug you.
On the bright side, Snail and I are doing fabulously. It is hard to explain how awesome being with Snail is. I feel free to explore and express my desires and we have so many so many so fucking many mutual desires, we have a positive feedback loop of good feelings, ugh. They just texted me that I am a very cute and important walrus, and that feels so nice. The 12 hours bone chilling anxiety I had today have finally come to an end, thanks to benzos and a snail. Ugh, now back to reading Tom Robbins.
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
8:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home