glitch:

There is glitch that exists in my mind. I am not entirely sure what is is. all i know is that it stops me from being myself( i think) and paralzyes me. Sitting at lunch today i suddenly was overcome with apathy and despair for no reason. Nothing happened to trigger it, no physical action, no word spoken, no thought started, it was just there. I used to feel like these feelings of despair and depression were me, that somehow i was these feelings and they were me.
However, lately i am starting to realize this might not be true. i think these feelings now, but i dont feel them. i understand that doesnt make sense, but i am not feeling my feelings right now. I get sad, but i dont really truly FEEL sad. I get mad, but i dont really get mad. for instance, someone cuts me off on the road, im upset , i flip em off, but inside im not really that mad, im just reacting. i feel like a robot in the way i deal with things.

This brings up another interesting thing that happened to me recently. i was reading horoscopes as a joke with someone, and mine was telling me not to be robotic during sex. that sounds ridicuous i know, but it relates to how i am now. i have all of these different learned responses that i robotically go through in daily situations. i have dulled my feelings with these and now feel more empty every day. i do not want to be a robot in any way, i want to feel, i want to experience the ups and downs i used to. i would rather deal with that as opposed to dealing with having no emotions. im not really sure how to do that, but i know i need to figure out how to get rid of this THING, whatever it is, that i created to assuage the intense emotions i was experiencing