Waste Of Paint

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

In the Darkness

I can usually see the moon through the window as I lay in bed at night
But there is fog or clouds or something making the night sky look like it's upon me and never ending

Glacier blue walls to my right and left, white walls full of the things i love and pictures of people i love and have loved

I am naked under a pink and white floral comforter, a candle burns odorless on the desk to my left
Zerzan plays through my computer, talking about domestication, future of technology, the insanity of our way of life

The holes and blisters on my ankle are there for a reason
I don't want to forget why I feel this way, my body is reminding me of what led me here 

I want to be alive less tonight than I have in as long as I can remember
Hopelessness has enveloped me, and there aren't enough cigarettes or friends

I sat in her room for two hours yesterday, I still love her
It's more just a part of me than any kind of thought or feeling, it just simply is

I complained to her about E, who i also love
She listens, i wonder her motives, is she jealous?  I don't feel it

I burned this bridge with her more times than I can recount and we fell with it under the sea
It took us deep to the bottom and we have spent the last few months swimming slowly back to the surface
Yesterday it felt like we were on the surface

I don't want E to sink, she doesn't need to, I don't need to
I've been there more than enough times to know that I can't breathe down there

I'm stoned because I didn't want to be me tonight
I just wanted to be

Tonight I have less desire to be alive than I've had in as long as I can remember
The void of friendship and regret from mistakes made is just too much

I miss my friend, I miss late nights in bed talking about everything
I miss bike rides home, fears and hopes shared

She told me through crying eyes and sobs that "i hold you up, you hold me up"
And she did, and I did 

And now the darkness is

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