nightmare
I awoke this morning with two full weeks of separation and a nightmare rattling in my head. Friends knocked on my door as bombs detonated inside my skull. I dreamed that she had been fucking him the whole last month we were together(a not too unlikely story) and I awoke fucking livid. The nightmare continued into some amalgam of friends knowing and my rage at being deceived so completely.
Today I spent four full hours at the hospital. As of this moment, I do not have cancer. In the four hours, thre and a half of which were spent waiting, I did two things: read the first part of The Death of Virgil by Hermann Broch, and lamented on the nightmarish reality of our past. How did she lie to me for two years? How did I keep coming back time and time again after catching her in lies, it must have been near 15 times, probably more. I still cannot conceive of how one human can do that to another human.
I think that with the two weeks of complete space, some of the feelings have started to fully settle in. For me the first is anger, which covers up sadness, but still inhabits the first line of defense for me. I am really fucking angry, and underneath that I am unspeakably sad. I really mean that, I can't explain or speak to my sadness. The fact that someone I loved so fucking much did something so hurtful, simply just fucking hurts, on a fundamental level. I can feel it in my insides and on my skin and deep in my abyssal thought processes, it fucking hurts. I will never understand how one can do that. I have never intentionally lied to someone I was close to for more than a few days, and regretted each of those times. Never have I done it over weeks and months and years. I regret putting myself in that position. It was naive and fucking stupid to trust her, and I deeply regret doing that(or trying to). She was well aware that the worst thing she could do to me was lie to me continually and over a period of time, and that is what she did. She did what she knew would hurt me most, over and over and over and over and over and over, and months of not seeing her do not stop it from hurting so fucking badly
Today I spent four full hours at the hospital. As of this moment, I do not have cancer. In the four hours, thre and a half of which were spent waiting, I did two things: read the first part of The Death of Virgil by Hermann Broch, and lamented on the nightmarish reality of our past. How did she lie to me for two years? How did I keep coming back time and time again after catching her in lies, it must have been near 15 times, probably more. I still cannot conceive of how one human can do that to another human.
I think that with the two weeks of complete space, some of the feelings have started to fully settle in. For me the first is anger, which covers up sadness, but still inhabits the first line of defense for me. I am really fucking angry, and underneath that I am unspeakably sad. I really mean that, I can't explain or speak to my sadness. The fact that someone I loved so fucking much did something so hurtful, simply just fucking hurts, on a fundamental level. I can feel it in my insides and on my skin and deep in my abyssal thought processes, it fucking hurts. I will never understand how one can do that. I have never intentionally lied to someone I was close to for more than a few days, and regretted each of those times. Never have I done it over weeks and months and years. I regret putting myself in that position. It was naive and fucking stupid to trust her, and I deeply regret doing that(or trying to). She was well aware that the worst thing she could do to me was lie to me continually and over a period of time, and that is what she did. She did what she knew would hurt me most, over and over and over and over and over and over, and months of not seeing her do not stop it from hurting so fucking badly
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
10:15 PM
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