Rulik & I

I have had therapy every wednesday morning at 8am for the past 20 months with a older Jewish man named Rulik.  Rulik is a friend of my aunt's and as a friend of hers he has been giving me discounted therapy for a while now.  When I first saw Rulik in July of 2013 I was in a bad place.  I was in a relationship that was taking(or I was giving up) my autonomy and hurting me everyday.  I didn't trust the person I was with, for good reason, but it still hurt.  I was trying to be close to someone who was not meeting me anywhere near the middle, and I was reaching too far, and it was unhealthy for both of us.  I was madly in love, and I was a mess.  I was riddled with guilt over my various privileges and lived in an almost exclusively QTPOC house where I was not really seen, which is whatever, but I needed a change. 

Therapy began pretty seriously.  Rulik took seriously(unlike my partner at the time) how difficult of a time I had growing up in the shadow of my older sister Alexis.  He took seriously how I was never seen growing up, and the pain I still wore from 18 years of living in a house with a very obviously, very traditional, abusive relationship between my parents.  Rulik recognized the guilt and pain I held so tightly immediately.  He told me that one day, when we were done, I would look in a mirror and say to myself, "this man, this is a good man."  My friends and partner at the time used to joke about this all the time, but it was really fucking serious for me.  Today in therapy I realized something.  I realized that I am no longer concerned with being a good person.  I am able to look in the mirror now and say I am a person and that I am enough.  I still fight to change the things I want to, every fucking day.  However, the narrative has changed.  I started something nearly two years ago, and today I am able to say I have accomplished much of what I was looking for.  I no longer feel the need to help others, I just do it when I want to, and it has led to much healthier friendships.  I no longer am wracked with guilt, and I haven't hurt myself in several months.  It doesn't mean I don't have hard times or want to hurt myself, because I do, but sometimes I go to bed satisfied. 

2 years ago I never could have imagined myself writing this.  I never could have imagined not living the emotional rollercoaster everyday, but here I am.  I sold the car that has been giving me trouble, I have been working for 2 months, I am doing well with the radio show, I have solid friends, I lost 16 pounds this month,  I am working on two big writing projects along with this blog which I am maintaining much more, and I am worried less and less what people I don't know well think of me.  I have had several confrontations over the last several months, and many of them have had positive results.  A roommate and I yelled at each other in the living room 4 months ago and really let each other have it, and now I would say we have a much healthier relationship.  That is a rare thing, to be able to do that with someone, but for him and I it worked.  I have dealt with my other conflicts in much different ways.  I nearly lost my best friend due to drama between us, and never did I let it destroy me, never did I question my value as a human being, I stayed calm throughout most of it.  I am really fucking proud of that. 

At the end of therapy today Rulik brought up where we are going and if it is possible we have reached a break or possibly an ending point, at least for now.  If we are able to end and talk about ending, it will be the first time I have ever done that with a therapist.  I usually just leave.  I love Rulik, and it is a beautiful and fascinating relationship for me.  We are very different, but he gets me, and a similar sense of humor, and together we have done LOTS of work.  I am excited about ending our relationship in a real way, or at least putting it on hold for a while, if it isn't growing anymore, mostly because I am doing so much better and have such a different narrative for how I navigate the world.  I am really looking forward to these conversations with him and possibly stopping seeing him and really working on being able to be satisfied.  Even though I sleep alone basically every night, and my cuddles are at an all time low(as well as sex), I go to bed satisfied in my projects, in my mental and physical health, and in my friendships. 

On a final note, I drove home from therapy today and some song on the radio came on with these lyrics. 
Apparently it is Kelly Clarkson, but whatever, I am not above finding personal relevance in pop lyrics.
"Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go"

Super cheesy but whatever.  It was never going to work for us.  I was too ready to give up my autonomy and she was too ready to use, take, and manipulate me.  Most of our memories are haunted for me, and in the end everything I did hurt her, even hugging her or telling her I loved her, hurt her.  That is because she is an addict, just like I am, but in a much different way.  Rulik said today that an addict can't feel satisfied and that is how I would describe her.  Sex, hugs, love, cuddles, nothing could satisfy her.  She still went to bed worried about nightmares, she still woke up everyday feeling as though the day was a mountain to be climbed, not a hill to ride a bike down screaming at the top of her lungs with the wind flying in her face.  I have sympathy for that, but I want to be satisfied sometimes.  We could immediately feel the poison set in, and she kept adding to it, lying, dating other people secretly, hurting me.  And in turn, what she wanted I could never be.  I could never understand how she could love and do this, it was too hard.  And I love her, so much, I still do.  I loved her enough to let her go.  It's like Conor says, if you love something set it free.  I had to break up with her, I had to set myself free, to love myself.  I could not love myself with her.  And I wanted to love her and me, but it was impossible, she wasn't ready for that, and maybe at that time I wasn't either. 

Anyways, I am feeling satisfied.  I am going to now go to the hospital and hope that I am still in remission from cancer, I will register my truck, and I will go to work, and get beers with friends after.  I will go to bed satisfied, even in missing her, and I will look in the mirror no long needing to ascribe value to myself, and accept myself as me, in all my beautiful chaos.