thrice & oscar wilde

I used to love this thrice song called trust.  It had to grow on me back then, because I was into much harder music than that.  I HATED bright eyes at this time of my life.  The song starts, "mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right, the margin of air is slight(there's a risk when your dealing with love."
There was a risk, I tried to talk about it.  The song continues, "There is a risk, I know what betrayal can mean."  I told her repeatedly in the beginning, "love, I can deal with anything but betrayal."  Stab me in the front I said, I can deal with anything as long as you tell me about it love, I just can't deal with betrayal.  Yet, 2 years of betrayal.  Of course, as I've said and written here a million times, I knew what to expect, she lied to everyone, just saved the especially brutal lies for me.  I took them, I got the best lies, all of them, were for me.  Thank you S, for the lies.  Thank you for the fiction you gave me, you so rarely gave me your real, and led me to believe you were only giving me your real.  That was not the truth now was it love?  When laughing and out having fun, was that not real?  Is it more real to lie in the fetal position all night?  Is it more real to lie over and over and over and over and fucking over and fucking over and fucking over and over and over to my face day after fucking day after each fucking day over and over and over.  Is that fucking real?  Was it real to ignore everything I said?  Was it real to act like I nothing I had to say or feel was of importance?  Was that more fucking real?  Was it real to go months and fucking months now without saying one goddamned fucking word to me?  Can't say sorry?  Surprisingly, I don't hold high expectations for you, or for myself when it comes to you.  When I fucked you over, it was to your face.  Thanks for 2 years of lies, for 2 years of sleeping alone next to you.  Was it too much just to look at me one fucking time and say "I'm glad you are here," or "I feel sad, but I like having you with me."  Just once!?  A lot of partners wake up and hug or kiss their partner, or god forbid they fuck them.  I set the bar for you so mother fucking low that all I asked for was a goddamned "good morning."  But, that was too much for you wasn't it?  It would have set up a bad expectation that I deserved to be treated like a fucking human being.  Well now you have someone new, do you kiss his lips in the morning?  Do you say I love you before bed?  Do you hug him when you see him?  Do you surprise him ideas and hugs?  Because I will die alone in a hole, before I ever enter the masochistic hell that was two years with you.  I will jump off a fucking cliff a thousand times before ever engaging in a relationship in the way I did with you.  Being a full time masochist isn't quite what it is made out to be love, because I know you are one too.