forgive from those we hurt in this world never was guaranteed

Just home from a non-date with a chello playing anarchist friend.  I told her a month and a half ago I didn't wanna fuck anymore and was taking a break from dating/fucking.  She is still into hanging out with is nice.  One of her lover type people was at the show and it was all good.  We saw Pat the Bunny at the Gilman, he was great.  One of the lines that Pat totally sleighs me with is "forgive from those we have hurt in this world never was guaranteed."   Yes, she hurt me, a lot, and wantonly sometimes, and aggressively other times, and at other times just because I would take it.  Even if I were to detail all of them, they wouldn't take away the  pain I caused her, because I did, and sometimes because she put in a terrible place, and sometimes because she hurt me, and sometimes because I wanted to because of that hurt she caused me, and sometimes because I was selfish.  I don't know if she will forgive me, or if she has, or has plans to.  I do know though, that it is not guaranteed.  I hope to one day forgive her, and there are things she could do, that would make that quick and easier, but I realize there is a good chance it will have to happen on my own.  I dream that one day I will choose to forgive her, and love her from afar if I must.  

Pat also sang another line in a song I hadn't heard before.  It went like this,
"There's a darkness in my bones,
it reaches all the way down to the mud,
there's a spark that's in your eyes,
it catches flame,
and it burns all through my blood."

There is a darkness in my bones that runs through me and there was a spark that set fire in her eyes, and it burned me.  It wasn't a good or bad thing, it was burning.  Burning is the most painful thing a human can endure, but it is also the thing that allows us to flame and shoot up and free and melt away anything we wish to destroy in ourselves or outside of ourselves, and I miss burning in her fire.