I woke up
I woke up to another nightmare about her. I have been having trouble sleeping lately, probably because I have been less on top of my food choices, eating lots of candy, instead of the salad thing I was on for a bit.
I dreamed she was with someone else, sleeping with him even! the shock! the surprise! the horror! Even though it feels silly now at 3pm, at 8am it was not so silly. I cleaned my room today, searching for my birth certificate(which I didn't find) and came across a few things she wrote me. A few of the notes were apologizing for hurting me, taking things out on me, telling me she appreciated the nights I stayed up with her, telling me she appreciated how hard I tried to understand her and promising she would do the same for me, telling me how much she loves me. I still love her, madly, wildly. I haven't been dating for a month and a half now, I am writing more than I have in years, halfway through two long pieces, one about us, another about my political(read: apolitical) journey through Hawaii, SF, Oakland, and through the scene of anti-oppression politix and liberal leftism to anarchy. I bought a white board, I have checked off half of the goals for today, and have a long list of long term goals. I am reading Hermann Broch, one of the most beautiful and challenging works I have ever read. I don't think I was ready emotionally or intellectually to read The Death of Virgil til now, but it feels right, now. My autonomy is freeing me up creatively and intellectually, able now to learn and fight and grow and challenge others and myself more relentlessly than ever, ready to look existential dread right in the fucking face, but am I ready to look her in the face?
in closing, an excerpt from Hermann Broch, a piece of a 4 page sentence:
...for man needed the realization of futility,
he must accept its dread, the dread of all error,
and recognizing it, he must drain it to the dregs,
he must assimilate it,
not in self-torment, but rather
that through such conscious assimilation
the dread might be expunged,
only thus might one pass through the horny portal of dread and achieve existence...
I dreamed she was with someone else, sleeping with him even! the shock! the surprise! the horror! Even though it feels silly now at 3pm, at 8am it was not so silly. I cleaned my room today, searching for my birth certificate(which I didn't find) and came across a few things she wrote me. A few of the notes were apologizing for hurting me, taking things out on me, telling me she appreciated the nights I stayed up with her, telling me she appreciated how hard I tried to understand her and promising she would do the same for me, telling me how much she loves me. I still love her, madly, wildly. I haven't been dating for a month and a half now, I am writing more than I have in years, halfway through two long pieces, one about us, another about my political(read: apolitical) journey through Hawaii, SF, Oakland, and through the scene of anti-oppression politix and liberal leftism to anarchy. I bought a white board, I have checked off half of the goals for today, and have a long list of long term goals. I am reading Hermann Broch, one of the most beautiful and challenging works I have ever read. I don't think I was ready emotionally or intellectually to read The Death of Virgil til now, but it feels right, now. My autonomy is freeing me up creatively and intellectually, able now to learn and fight and grow and challenge others and myself more relentlessly than ever, ready to look existential dread right in the fucking face, but am I ready to look her in the face?
in closing, an excerpt from Hermann Broch, a piece of a 4 page sentence:
...for man needed the realization of futility,
he must accept its dread, the dread of all error,
and recognizing it, he must drain it to the dregs,
he must assimilate it,
not in self-torment, but rather
that through such conscious assimilation
the dread might be expunged,
only thus might one pass through the horny portal of dread and achieve existence...
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
2:44 PM
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