40 days

It's been 40 days and I just got done hanging with one of my closest friends.  I guess he hung out with her.  I asked not to know details.  I can't say exactly why, but I am full of rage in this moment.  I am upset she hangs with one of my best friends, but can't muster a simple email or call to me.  I want to cry, but can't.  I want to let out my anger, but can't.  Things felt so real to me.  On some level they still do.  Walking home from a bar, my friend mentioned his partner.  I said "god, i can't even imagine using the word partner,"  meaning that I can't see myself having a partner.  Maybe that is partially because I so deeply considered her my partner that I can't seem to let go of that idea, even though it no longer holds relevance.  Maybe it is because I have cut out dating and sex completely for a while, choosing to focus on friends projects and personal growth. Maybe I am just deeply in love with her still and it will just take time, or meeting someone else.  The truth is that I don't know.  The other truth is that I miss her so much it hurts.  I catch myself wishing she was laying in my bed as I typed, playing with her cat or reading, and I am rubbing her leg as I write, sharing space, being intimate, being affectionate, FUCK.  I still know I made the right choice, because if she really wanted to be with me she had a million chances to write to me, to call me, to message me, to show that she cared about lying to me and hurting me.  In my weaker moments, I find myself fighting not to hold to ideas of justice and fairness.  I find myself thinking it is unfair for her to be in a relationship with someone else, not asking them for the huge and impossible things she asked of me, not looking at through trauma, kissing them, hugging them, being kind and honest to them.  I think of those things as possibilities and obsess on how unfair and wrong it is, that she could hurt me and just move on and be better to someone else.  I know chaos reigns, and justice and fairness are imaginary, but I haven't been able to clear my mind of them, especially when its 1am in the morning and I am feeling so much pain.  The idea of never seeing her, never being intimate with her, physically and emotionally, are punches to the gut, knives to the kidneys, a pain that is unending.  FUCK.  Tomorrow I start again, 41st day, hoping to find timelessness, hoping to create joy for myself, hoping to accept myself completely while at the same time being ready open and striving for change and to have better friendships and relationship.  But sometimes I just wish she was here, so I didn't have to miss her another night.