I wish

As a poet friend of mine wrote 
"being in love is worse than being in jail-  
you can't see the walls."

He also wrote this, which describes her and I better than I could:

These are the types of things I say to her:
"honey honey
love you dearest 
sweet nothing sweet nothing"
but she is skeptical of me.
Last week we got in a fight and I said 
       "do you see me as your enemy?"
   
        "sometimes!" she replied,
as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

and there's no arguing with that, in fact, 
I think she is smart to be so skeptical, and see me as her enemy, 
and keep me at arms length, 
she has a talent for self-preservation. 
she is an expert at the icy silence
i am an expert at running my mouth for no reason.

when the words run out
i hear my breath feeding back through the microphone, 
and separately
we contemplate the radiation of a cellphone to the head. 

She has a talent for self-preservation which manifests in a slow and cruel self destruction.  I like to get on fast trains, breaking arms as I run and jump and hold on, ride them off the tracks, down the hill, burn as they crash in fire, flames reach toward heaven, I melt off sticky lava earth, leaving parts of me stuck in places I wanted to be, and walk away with scars that will be burned again, the next time I leap onto another train going too fast for me, headed toward a crash with or without me