94 days

It's been 94 days. I miss her often, and if I'm honest, it's always at least once a day.  I try not to indulge in these feelings because they lead to anger.  I wonder if she says I love you to her new person.  I wonder if she means it.  I wonder how she could love again so quickly, because I don't work like that.  I've only loved one other besides her.  I wonder if she fucks him, because we barely did.  I wonder if she kisses him, because we did even less.  I wonder if she grabs his hand, rubs his back, kisses his forehead.  I wonder if she offers to scratch his back or buy him dinner, or invite him to meet her family.  I wonder all of this, so I don't indulge.  Instead I live. 

I woke up a few days ago in a panic, I had some dumb nightmare about her and I woke up really fucking worried about dying.  I know she never understood this, but it is my greatest fear, has been for 26 years now.  Rulik says I was born into mourning, because I was born on the same day as my still born older sister Alexis.  I was brought into a world of grief, my life inextricably tied to her death, maybe that is why I have such a thing for binaries.  I miss Alexis too, most every day.  I think of Alexis often, and I wish she was here.  I know she didn't want to live, but I did, and I still do. 

I feel sadder and lonelier than I have in a long time tonight.  Maybe it's because Alexis and my birthday is coming up on Tuesday.  I dunno.  B is leaving for another trip to look at land projects and things are unresolved.  Maybe living with so many people is wearing on me, so many emotions, people care about such little things, and sometimes I do too, even when they are obviously so small.  I wish Alexis was here to talk to... I bet she would read Delany too, I bet she would be a nihilist, I bet she would understand.  Instead she left, and it is just me, it was just me in that house growing up, and it is just me now.  I'm not ready to know you Alexis, not yet, so I will keep you in my dreams.