women & relationships:
why do i put so much emphasis on this one component in life. it is by far the most important thing to me. finding someone, spending/sharing my life w/them having a kid or 2 maximum with them. i think about this ALL the time. i know i would be better off putting that time into friends family doing things that would make my life better, but i dont. its so bizarre because i recognize this but it for some reason is so hard to change. and the funny thing is i don't approach relationships the right way. most girls i spend time with knowing there is almost no chance of having a serious relationship with due to something about the girl that really bothers me but i ignore it for a few weeks. i spent the last month worrying about a girl i kissed a few times and had a fun few days with even though she played games and was just lame. and i want someone honest, i know all the cliches of fixing urself before u find someone and i for the most part buy into that crap, but i dunno, maybe its just to fill the loneliness. i even know a girl who calls me randomly and i just go over there chat massage cuddle and spoon all night. its a really weird situation but i do enjoy the time spent with her even though there is no hope for a relationship or even sex probably. very strange. this girl told me i make connections with girls very easily, which i think is true, but what does that really mean. i think it is just because i know how to listen and in intimate situations i have the ability to make women feel comfortable around me.
On another note, i have found that a lot of my close friends, especially greg and zuri, are against most of the women i see. they are anti me hanging out w them and thinking/talking about them. understandably none care for allie 2, because she was shitty to me, but i dont get the problems they have w other girls. chelsea P told me that i pick weird girls, which is true, i dunno, normal girls just dont interest me i guess? but then i choose girls who act weird and fuck with me, and i dont like that either. but back to why, hopefully the reason they dont like the girls is because they dont want to lose time with me because its special? i know thats a selfish thing to say but for the most part i think it is true. i know greg doesnt have many friends like me in hawaii and same w zuri. i like to think im the kind of friend who one values, but i would still appreciate a lil more support from them, because i know i always give my honest opinion on their relationships etc.

Either way, i feel ive done an ok job moving on from aly, even tho i cannot get over us not talking or having any time of contact. i just dont get it, no matter what she does i will always think of her and care about her, and i know for a fact that will never change, and maybe thats a big difference between us, when i lose a friend, i dont find a new one to take their place, that friend's place is forever left as a void and a memory of someone who i cared for and brought something special into my life. a good example is nina, i have had other good friends, but she still brought something special to me that i will always remember. Gina is very simliar to her and i value ginas friendship a lot, but it doesnt take away the void left by nina, and i would feel a simliar feeling if for some reason i was no longer friends w gina, which i obviously hope doesnt happen. i even miss some friends i only had for a short while, maybe its because i am unable to forget almost anything.
i havent written anything in forever, maybe its because nothing too meaningful has happened and ive been in a state of waiting until i move back home. all i know is , things are about to change a lot, and i really truly could not be more excited and frightened and i guess there really arent too many better ways to feel than that!