Another letter: brutality and hard choices

I'm not so great at hard choices, obviously.  I go back and forth, I regret, I think, rarely am I fully confident in the decision.  We got in a fight and I didn't talk to her for a week.  She probably fucked someone this week.  Then when we did talk we broke up for real.  What other choice did I have?  I don't believe in victims, so there are no victims here.  I am having negative thought spirals about her and other people.  If I go to Hawaii we are basically done forever.  She sent a final message last time we talked saying "I'm not diving into anything serious," when talking about dating.  What does that mean?  I'm not ready for anything.  I'm heart broken.  I miss her.  I started seeing someone new who found this online.  She sent a text saying it was a window into me and some other really sweet stuff, basically the perfect response.  It was the exact response I wanted, from A.  A never looked.  I was upset this new person looked because I asked them not to.  All I wanted was for A to try to know me.  My best friend dates someone else I'm close to and we conjectured that he doesn't want to be seen.  We guessed that A doesn't either, but we do. I do. I want to be seen.  I want to be seen and accepted.  I realize I can only truly do this for myself, but I still want it. 

   I have been sick for 3 days.  You aren't here.  I want you to take care of me.  To share space with me.  Instead I took care of myself.  I fucking miss you.  It's been a month since I emailed you, you still haven't responded.  There are reasons this makes sense, but also it's your only avenue of communication with me and you aren't interested.  You are choosing new dates, and everything else, even the project we used to do, over this.  I feel miserable still. Just when I think it's OK that you are gone it isn't.  I'm moving out of my house in a week.  Where do I go? I don't know. Fuck. There's so much I wanna say.  Did we want different things?  Were we both honest about that? Why did you ever lie to me?  Why?  Lying is the fucking worst thing people do to each other.  It pulls the ground from under my feet.  I'm angry, and sad, and heart broken, and so many other things that I don't understand, but I'm also sick and tired and oh so tired of being sick.  fuck. 

Letter # 4: Two Things and A quiet rainy morning

My shoulder feels better.  I haven't used it in 6 days and got a cortizone shot so I guess that is why.  I've spent the last 2 hours, waking at 7, trying to find surf.  It sucks, the swell died, and I will probably save my shoulder since I'm stuck in San Jose with dogs.  It reminds me of how long it's been since you've gone.  You were gone last time I had the dogs, over a month ago.  When did you leave?  I still miss you, everyday, most of the day.  I still am upset that you haven't emailed.  I just got a podcast episode from you, no email.  I am upset that you owe me 735 dollars and might be taking trips with or to visit some other guy, spending vacation with him that I am paying for.  I don't like that.  So what were the two things? I don't remember, but maybe these are them.

You said I would judge you for whatever guy you are dating now.  But, that's not it.  I'm judging you because it isn't me.  I'm judging you because you aren't so heart broken that you can't date.  I'm judging you because you are with someone else and not me.  I'm judging you because it's not me, he isn't me, I'm not the one you are with.  It is as simple as that.  It just isn't me.  There are bullshit things about how you aren't ready, about how you didn't want me and now you want others.  About how you aren't spending time working through our stuff or emailing me but have probably been spending much of your time with some other guy.  That hurts.  You aren't obligated to me and life is unfair, but ya.

I'll be honest with you.  When I see Stephanie I still want to fuck her.  I want to be close to her.  I spent an hour with her on Tuesday.  We jumped right back into our weirdo dynamic, you might laugh if you saw us talk.  It's so different than our dynamic.  We immediately make fun of each other for hurting each other, for hurting ourselves, for our weirdo mental health stuff, we make light of everything gnarly and serious, you and I don't really do that.  It's not a better or worse thing, but I guess part of me will always Love her.  That didn't die from being with you and maybe that's ok, I think you probably feel the same way about L.  Anyways, I don't think it makes sense for me and Steph to ever be together, but i see a world for you and I to be together.  And I still want that, even if it is maddening.

Misunderstanding #2:  When we camped with JP and others in Canada it was the night before my birthday.  I wanted alone time with you, I wanted to fuck, I wanted to stare into each others eyes and be sweet, I wanted to stay up late holding each other and fall asleep touching.  I tried to insinuate that  wanted alone time.  I left, we got into a huge fight.  You wanted to be out in a "group hang." It was just JP though.  Thinking back on this hurts more because you had/have a crush on him.  It was the night before my birthday and you preferred a group hang with someone you had a crush on than alone time with me.  I had driven 24 hours to be with you.  This is what hurt me and this memory hurts me still today. 

At some point I will follow in Kundera's footsteps and create my own dictionary of words misunderstood, but not today. 

There's a million more things I want to tell you.  I've done a lot of work on my essay, my shoulder is fucked.  Weird Studies did a podcast on Ligotti, I have different feelings about sex and relationships.  You don't know what I'm doing I don't know what you are doing.  Sooner or Later I will accept that, but not today.

Letter #3 Nightmares

I awoke from a dream about you.  You know me, I don't really dream, I have nightmares.  God damn my imagination, which seemingly struggles to create anything fantastical and instead leaves me in the realm of the social and the banal.  I don't remember much now(it's 6 at night I'm at a cafe in Oakland).  Thankfully, I can't remember much of the nightmare.  Something about you being with someone else and not caring about me.  I've had a lot of deja vu lately, whatever.  Time haunts me, the present is fucked, the past is bittersweet, and the future is so unknown that I'm not even sure I can do much about creating it, yet I try.  I gave you this blog a year ago, yet I know you don't read it.  I gave you the address so you could get a fuller understanding of me, seeing me as myself, seeing a history of me unattached from you, my growth, my pain my change.  I wished you had been interested.  It would have made me feel a lot differently about things, but things aren't how they were or how we want them to be, things are how they are.  And Today, I sit alone in a cafe after spending the day thinking about two misunderstandings.  But, Steph just texted me to meet up for 30 minutes caz I miss her too, so differently, and I want to be friends w her.  So, two misunderstandings come later.  Goodbye for now ABC

Letter # 2 Good Morning ABC

Hi,
   I just woke up at my friend's house in San Francisco.  I am writing because I'm imagining you waking up with someone else and it isn't me.  My shoulder hurts so fucking bad. It kept me awake until 3am and it is absolutely killing me right now.  I've been listening to that CCFX song the one to wait, I think you played it for me, either way, it reminds me of you.  I talked to a friend about you and us yesterday on the phone for 3 hours before driving to SF, it made me feel better.  I don't feel as good now.  What am I gonna do today? Is that what you would ask if I could call you? Would you tell me you wanted a hug as badly as I want one right now? Is that even possible?  I want to see you, I want to be with you, I want you.  I have plans to see close friends in Oakland, then to watch stupid TV with the woman I've been sleeping with who already wants too much from me, and I can't be with her without thinking of you.  She isn't important to the story of my life and tonight I will tell her that I don't want to sleep w her anymore. 
       I wonder if you can meet someone else like me.  Can someone else take the place in your heart, am I special?  Again and again I want to be special, I need to be special...is this my final stand against death?  Do I live on in the memory and desire of others?  What happens when I stop being thought of and wanted.  I worry about Canada.  I am coming in 6 weeks and I know it's too soon to see you.  I worry you will be with someone else, and I won't be able to deal with it, and I won't be able to see you and I will move to Oahu and we won't see each other for so long.  I worry, I worry, I worry, I miss you, still.  And my shoulder is fucking killing me.  This is probably the worst it has ever hurt.  The cortizone shot should be working by now.  Why isn't it working why aren't you here.  Couldn't we have figured it out? Couldn't we have figured out the border stuff?  My brother and his partner figured out bigger border problems and found a way to be together.  Why can't we?  I'm turning this song off and I'm going to attempt to stop imagining you in the arms of another this morning, you staring into another's eyes the way we used to, you kissing someone w the love that you used to kiss me with.  My mouth remains dry and my lips untouched by yours and my body unhugged by you.

Letter # 1

Dear A, or BC,
   Fuck I miss you.  I go between missing you and imagining you with whoever else you are with.  Sometimes it is w his head between your legs, or vice versa, or you fucking him the way you fucked me.  Sometimes it's cuddling, sometimes it is you laughing at his jokes.  You aren't laughing at mine because I don't have as many as usual right and and because we aren't talking.  I am sad and jealous and I want you here.  I fucked someone else.  Whatever.  It wasn't bad.  I didn't feel bad about it.  I also didn't feel the excitement I felt with you.  Maybe I'm wired different.  I get one stuck in my head and that's who I want and right now it is still you.  This other person likes me, a lot too much.  We aren't like that.  Whatever.  The other person has nothing to do with this except that you kept telling me to date other people and if I fucked wanted to I would have.  I do what I want.  I want you.  It sucks saying that knowing you want others and that I still haven't been emailed back and you are on dates and cuddling and kissing and fucking and laughing and I want to do those things w you.  Maybe/probably I am a hopeless romantic who is civ fucked into trouble with jealousy. I don't know.  What I do know is that It feels different cuddling you than anyone else, it feels better it feels deeper.  I know that you are one of the only people I can really talk to about all my crazy ideas.  It is hard being far from you and it is hard going day to day w out talking about without hearing from you.  So here are some things I would tell you if you called:

-  I was 10 yards away from an easily 25 foot whale in the ocean the other day
- yesterday I worked out at the gym and surfed twice
- i had my MRI read and still don't know what's wrong, could be my AC Joint a torn labrum or a torn bicep tendon Im getting PT and a second opinion. 
- I wanna share stuff from Kris Larsen w you
-  I am presenting a thing in a month and I wish I could talk w you about it
-   I thought of you when I woke up, again
-  I just want to squeeze you
- I had a conversation with a kid who hates everything at his school and life, he is 9, I made all the other kids listen to him give a speech about how miserable and unfair life is after another kid complained to me that life is unfair.  There is more to this story and I want to share it with you

Why aren't you here with me?  Why are you with someone else?  Why aren't you falling asleep and waking up with me?  Didn't we make ourselves for each other, or am I just a fucking wide eyed naive fool.  Where are you?  I miss you