im back, FUCK

I am 35 years old, whatever the fuck that means.  I quit smoking a month ago.  Yesterday, once I realized A was fucking other people I bought a pack, I bought another one day.  I'll try not to buy another one tomorrow.  The endless struggle.  I feel all the endless struggles right now.  Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about hurting myself.  So naturally I bought a pack of smokes.  Because really that is hurting myself, probably worse than if I burned myself.  I had to quit therapy.  I was going deep and trying to deal with some fundamental really difficult shit that I had never gotten to, that took years and years to be ready to deal with.  But I can't do that right now because I need a stable life to go that deep into shit.  I miss A.  I wish she was in my bed, but instead she is "open to dating" in her words, which means she is dating.  I didn't write here while I was with her. I'm not sure why.  Possibly because often things were bad and I didn't stand up for myself and I acted ways that I didn't want to act.  Maybe some shame in me kept me from holding myself accountable, from dealing with myself.  I'm not sure.  It's twenty minutes past midnight, I got in a big text fight with A.  We broke up a week ago? a month ago? a year ago? who fucking knows.  The problem is that I'm still with her, in my heart, that fucking romantic piece of shit organ.  She is still my person and she probably doesn't even know it.  I asked her if she had been w other people and she wouldn't tell me, then we fought and she sorta halfway said she had and I freaked out and texted w out response for an hour.  That's my fuck up, that's my bad behavior.  When I feel wronged, I wrong back harder.  This is the shit that comes from early childhood and growing up, the shit I was attempting to deal with.  Figuring out how to stand up for myself without hurting the people I love.  Figuring out how to soothe and validate myself instead of searching for a person to give that to me.  I feel miserable.  All I want to do is go outside and put cigarettes out on myself and I'm fighting not to do that.  I miss her, i miss her, i fucking miss her.  I want to fall asleep next to her.  I want that, I want that I want that.  Can I not need that?  I better fucking not need it because its sure as hell not fucking happening anytime soon with her and maybe never.  I'm sure at some point I will meet someone else who gives me that feeling.  Can I deal with it?  Can I handle wanting someone that badly?  Can I handle a wanting and longing so intense that it feels like a need?  Can I be happy with someone who I don't feel that intensity that borders on addiction?  I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know.

I have no friends in the town I live.  My friends are an hour and a half drive and they are busy they are moving their life plans are happening.  Sailing trips and moving to new cities w their partners.  And here I am.  I joked with Snail all the time, cosmo most alone.  Cosmo most alone.  Cosmo most alone.  Cosmo does not want to be most alone.  Cosmo wants to be the least alone.  Yet here I am at 12:30, A isn't responding because why would she.  She isn;t going to give me something I can't give myself.  And why should she?  I hate this mortal life.  I hate this decadent world that curses me with its morality and I hate that I have to do a day everyday.  I don't want tomorrow.  I don't want tonight. I don't want it.  I want things that I have to work for.  Close friends that live nearby.  Warm ocean water.  My own place living with people I LOVE and LIKE.  It was always going this way, so now I sign off for tonight and smoke a cigarette I don't want but maybe that I need right now.  Loneliness has overcome me.  I want to hold and be held.  I don't want to lie in this stupid fucking bed in this stupid fucking house with these stupid fucking roommates who I don't give a fuck about.  I don't want to not be poly, but maybe I'm not.  I don't want to be fat, but maybe I am.  I don't want to be broke, but I sure as fuck am.  I want more, so much more.  Can I find it in me to get it?  Will I allow myself to hold out hope for myself for another minute? Another day? Another Year? Enough time to find my will, my will, my will, my will to truly make my life my own and find a way to share it with those I want to share it with.  I'm so sick of being left with a bunch of fucking questions and no answers but here I am.  Another night and as far from an answer as I have ever been.  I am 35.