I need a new emotion because lately anger, shock, disappointment, dissatisfaction, and deep melancholy are not sufficient to express how i feel about the world i live in. I have run out of words to use to talk about the government and the machine that runs our world. As i grew up my anger turned from my peers to my parents to authority and to history. Luckily, i never had to turn that anger on a god i have never believed in, although that disbelief has cost me quite a few nights of sleep. So who do I turn to now. I am 24 year old white privelledged male in America, in fucking Hawaii of all places. Yet, i am not capable of being truly happy in this world. I forget who said it, i think MLK, but a famous man once said "an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere" or something to that effect. That is stuck in my mind.

I wrote that paragraph like a month ago as just a draft. It is a fairly typical little thought process I have, more of a recurring inner dialogue. It is possible I am using others suffering to assuage my own feelings and that is something that would be hard to stop doing.

Anyways, that inner rage, rate in a cage, whatever you wanna call it, is often suppressed by malaise. In my ennui I turn my thoughts into mush. A stew of thoughts so powerful that when they cross paths they break each other down, pull apart the threads holding each other together, and all I have to show for hours, days, years of thinking, is a fucking mushy unsatisfactory stew. Is there anything more amazing, and more horrifying, than a new idea that shakes the very core of your existence? The simple truth of a new idea can turn ones world on his head so fast that all he remembers is the spin. One observation by another that I had missed and which seems so innocent will in actuality deprive me of sleep and haunt me with the fact that I was living a lie for 24 years. How could i think something so obviously wrong when the right idea was right there, if only I had grasped it sooner. This process of evolving in thought, whether it be in politics, social norms, or favorite flavor of ice cream, is my life. I wake up everyday with the knowledge that it is possible for my whole life to change, even if only slightly. But, i know that change is never slight and never to be overlooked, because even the tiniest change can shake the core of the world. On those days when all hope is lost and it seems i am in a forgotten society living on a forgotten planet, stuck flying around in a godforsaken universe, on those days when I am most aware of that, it is then that hope sneaks in. That sinister, creepy, little fucker comes in through the cracks in the backdoor when my attention is elsewhere. That light bearer, that motivator will never let me surrender completely. As cliche as it sounds, i cannot let go of hope. My literary idol Milan Kundera once said "hope is the opiate of the masses" which is an obvious play and response to Karl Marx. I couldnt agree with him more. We are living with the belief of the American Dream. Everyone is killing each other over a small bright light. One look at a casino tells you how skewed the American Dream has become. For me though, hope is what keeps me from being a complete cynic. One way to define insanity is to know something to be true and believe the opposite. Being alive today and having hope, insanity is a neccesity, an imperative for the human condition. Without it you are capable of killing yourself, without it you will destroy yourself, all those around you, and the world you are living it. Hope has no longer become an option. In fact for some, it is all that is left.