so

So I've been seeing someone new for about 6 weeks now.  I think they are fucking awesome.  They are sweet, and fun, and pretty, and cuddly, and a voracious reader.  Recently we read a Delany book at the same time, which was really nice.  It's much different that anything I have been involved in.  Our relationship consists of mostly long conversations intertwined with hours of making out, cuddling, and beating each other up.  They are asexual and I am really digging that our relationship/friendship/whatever you wanna call it isn't linear.  It doesn't feel like we are trying to get someplace and the intimacy is fucking awesome.  We played a consensual torture text game on their computer last time we hung out.  The game is that someone you are seeing wants you to make them cry and they come over and you start flogging, spanking, hitting them etc.  They watched me play the game, and even though I only played for 10 minutes before we just started rolling on the floor roughing each other up and making out with each other, it was a thing for me.  Usually, in most of my relationships I don't get to express myself sexually.  Nearly all of my recent serious relationships, most of the sexual part of them was me adapting to the needs of the person I was with and didn't realize or express any of my creative desires.  The idea of vocalizing them and acting on them is both exciting and terrifying.  The good thing is that I really trust them, as much as you can trust someone you haven't even known for 2 months yet. 

Last Friday we had a date and they came over and we made out and cuddled all night.  Both of us thought it was 11pm when it was really 2:30am, which means that time goes really fast when we are together.  We woke up and I made breakfast and we went to half moon bay and spent the day together, and I surfed a bit, and it was fucking awesome and sweet.  We lay in bed together and tell each other we are pretty and smart and that we like each other.  We rub noses, kiss faces, and bellies, and massage each other, and they play with my hair.  It's great.  They said they have never been jealous before, which is clearly not my past so we will see how that goes.  But, as of now I feel pretty good about that, they are honest, and it feels good that they hang out with other people.  Also, I want to cuddle them as much as I have ever wanted to cuddle someone.  The only other person I felt this way about was Steph, and I am always forced to admit that it was likely that I wanted to cuddle her so much because she was so unavailable and there was so little cuddling.  With the person I have been seeing there is no shortage of cuddles, they love cuddling and they like cuddling and being cuddled by me. 

Despite all of this, I had a shit day today.  I am trying to decide if it was because I had casual sex last night with someone who was also kind and fun  I am starting to think that more vanilla sex with people I don't have big crushes or feels for might not be the best for me.  I don't want to go into too much detail, but as far as sex, it was good and fun but I feel shitty today.  I am also giving a presentation at the bastard conference on sunday which I am pretty stressed out about.  Also, Saturday is the anarchist bookfair which I feel good about tabling, but also slightly concerned about seeing Steph.  I haven't seen her in something like 8 months and part of me just wants to give her a hug and say I love you.  I am not sure if she will even make eye contact with me, and I am not sure if she will even be there.  Either way, I have some things to figure out.  I will feel good when the weekend was over and I am going to try and enjoy it as much as possible, but something feels off right now.  Despite my sexual voracity and general horniness and flirtiness I am beginning to wonder if maybe there is some aspect of asexuality that appeals to me.  In my life, I have had a really really hard time maintaining intimacy with people I am fucking.  I guess it will remain a constant question until I make some firmer decisions regarding my sexual behavior.  Maybe it was because it was the first time I fucked someone this year, I dunno. 

Maybe part of all of this is that I have a few close friends right now who are going through really hard times in their relationships.  A lot of that has been hurting me, because it hurts to see them in so much pain.  I am reminded of the Kundera quote about compassion,

“for there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.”

that pretty much expresses how I have been feeling.  Either way, it is late, and there is a good chance that I wake up tomorrow and realize it was just an off day.  Who knows.  New priorities for sure though are more socializing outside my house, getting myself possibly out into the kink stuff a bit more even though I have a feeling I won't be down with the community, and getting back in shape and being physically active playing basketball, tennis, and surfing more.  

 

That's it for now 

love

james

more on anger

I know being mad at her is a way to keep her around and act like she is still here, but it's not real.  It's just an attempt to keep holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore, and maybe never did.  Letting go of the anger means letting go completely of her.  It means letting go of justice, equality, and other bullshit abstractions that have no meaning.  Letting go is not my strong suit. 

100 days

i had a dream that i was driving w her old roommate barbara and she was in the car behind us.  we were going out for food, and barbara was convincing me that stephanie was somehow gonna be nice.  anyways after a bunch of stopping and getting out and going to different restaurants we end up back at stephs place.  somehow we slowly begin having sex.  steph wants to fuck and i ask her if shes been having safe sex and has been tested.  i find out she hasnt been, because she says the store was out of condoms, making a joke out of a pretty serious situation, which is not atypical for her.  eventually we fuck, it's terrible sex, she comes, I don't.  We have a conversation about it and it's obvious that she doesn't care about me.  It becomes obvious as we talk more that she hasn't changed at all and still is cold and callous and refuses to deal with her feelings and is ready to fuck me over on a whim.  At certain points she is merging with Aly, my first partner, and reminds me of her.  I find out shes slept with 2 people I hate in the last few months, I am annoyed by this.  Eventually, this kid paul I work with now, who i have basically no relationship w in real life and hardly know, comes in and asks me to go outside, and is pretty much saving me from this horrible situation.  At the end of it, on my way out, I look at her, and say "there is no such thing as veganism" and she tells me to fuck off.  I leave with paul , wake up and write this on my computer


I wrote this a few days ago and then got really sick.  I thought I would add more, but there isn't much more to add.  I'm sick of having nightmares about her.  In therapy I decided I would try to bring Alexis into my dreams with Steph and turn Steph into a turkey.  This way she wouldn't have to deal with her human body and I wouldn't have to know there is a human out there like that.  It's been nearly a year and she hasn't written me, not one word.  Will we go the rest of our lives without speaking?  Sadly, it seems so 

Happy fucking birthday.  I slept through most of the night and was rewarded with a nightmare I have a vivid memory of.  My ex, Stephanie, and I were meeting up.  She told me she has been cheating on me with her new partner for the entire time we were together, she obviously never loved me in the dream, and took joy in my pain.  None of this is strange, there is some truth in all of this, and some of it is an exaggeration.  It's hard to miss someone you are still so goddamned fucking angry at.  She still has not written me, hasn't said sorry once, for anything.  FUCK.  I have been so angry this week.  I think it's mostly because being born in Alexis shadow led to a lot of bad feelings that have allowed me to be in shitty relationships later in my life. 

Birthdays

I'll be 31 tomorrow.  Hard to believe.  There was a time I thought I would have children by now, but it's been a while since I thought that.  I did think I would have a partner that I was in love with, but that's not the case either.  I feel so fluid now.  I feel so angry now.  My birthday reminds me of how much I love and hate alexis and my family, and how much I hate the world for taking her from me.  i guess maybe tomorrow ill try to write something more meaningful. or just something 

94 days

It's been 94 days. I miss her often, and if I'm honest, it's always at least once a day.  I try not to indulge in these feelings because they lead to anger.  I wonder if she says I love you to her new person.  I wonder if she means it.  I wonder how she could love again so quickly, because I don't work like that.  I've only loved one other besides her.  I wonder if she fucks him, because we barely did.  I wonder if she kisses him, because we did even less.  I wonder if she grabs his hand, rubs his back, kisses his forehead.  I wonder if she offers to scratch his back or buy him dinner, or invite him to meet her family.  I wonder all of this, so I don't indulge.  Instead I live. 

I woke up a few days ago in a panic, I had some dumb nightmare about her and I woke up really fucking worried about dying.  I know she never understood this, but it is my greatest fear, has been for 26 years now.  Rulik says I was born into mourning, because I was born on the same day as my still born older sister Alexis.  I was brought into a world of grief, my life inextricably tied to her death, maybe that is why I have such a thing for binaries.  I miss Alexis too, most every day.  I think of Alexis often, and I wish she was here.  I know she didn't want to live, but I did, and I still do. 

I feel sadder and lonelier than I have in a long time tonight.  Maybe it's because Alexis and my birthday is coming up on Tuesday.  I dunno.  B is leaving for another trip to look at land projects and things are unresolved.  Maybe living with so many people is wearing on me, so many emotions, people care about such little things, and sometimes I do too, even when they are obviously so small.  I wish Alexis was here to talk to... I bet she would read Delany too, I bet she would be a nihilist, I bet she would understand.  Instead she left, and it is just me, it was just me in that house growing up, and it is just me now.  I'm not ready to know you Alexis, not yet, so I will keep you in my dreams. 

What She might not realize

it was our chance.  I realized it as it was happening, and maybe it is why I held on.  I miss her face today

on being sick

I was really sick yesterday, and probably today to be honest.  I called in sick to work and kept up plans with someone I have recently started to see.  We went to lake anza for a few hours and talked, it was really sweet  Then we came back here and cuddled for a long time and tried to fool around but it hurt my head too much.  It's an interesting relationship.  I have historically had trouble fucking people and also feeling intimacy for them at the same time.  It has happened, I felt it with my ex, but it's been fairly rare that I want an ongoing physical relationship with someone.  Anyways, with this person we make out, cuddle, and basically beat each other up, and it's pretty great.  We both get bruises, mine tend to be worse, and we both understand that sometimes pain can be really nice.  I like being able to explore all different types of relationships, and right now I am super into the hours of making out and cuddling and fighting, it's great.  I am not concerned if it's going anywhere, caz who knows, but I'm just enjoying the moments in this one.

So, back to being sick.  I have really fond memories of being sick from my youth.  My parents in general weren't so great to me and often had a lot of expectations and constant nagging, and then there was the fighting with each other. However, when I was sick they would join forces, take care of me, and be very sweet to me.  I miss that.  I have friends that do that now, and it is sweet too, but it is one of the fonder moments I have from childhood, and there were not many.