Posting some old drafts i didnt post for some reason or another!
A thanksgiving blog;:

thanksgiving is such an offensive, disgusting holiday when i think about it in historical and political terms. however, it has also become a great way for people to appreciate the things they care about.

Im sitting in the rompus room upstairs. my brother just asked me to go on a walk w him and zuri, but i want to sit here and write this. i just overhead my mom describing the personalities of me and my siblings. she said i was shy, and that i was on "another level." i feel like sometimes that is true, but i wouldnt call myself shy anymore. I feel like i have overcome that and for the most part i put myself out there on a limb, willing to be hurt or judged by others in hopes of gaining relationships(sexual and plutonic).
Sometimes i feel so incredibly alone that i only crave to talk and relate to others. Sometimes i sit alone in my house and call 10 or 15 people just trying to find someone to chat with. Sometimes i sit in a room full of people, and feel more alone than when i get 10 answering machines in a row, waiting, wishing, and hoping that someone will answer. Which is worse? being alone w others or being alone by myself. i think it is with others, because thats when i realize i can only fix the problem by myself. but what is the problem? is there even one? i dunno, these questions are for another time, now is for a list of things i am honestly thankful for and a list of things i wish i had.

Im thankful for:
My mom: She has her faults but she is the most kind and generous woman i know. she would torture herself if she thought it would make my life better
my dad: hes such a hard worker and he has been gradually opening up emotionally recently and i am really excited to see that. i am lucky to have such a caring father
my brother: my opposite in so many ways, he is a beautiful person. He is the most free person i have ever met, he lives his life so lightly flying around doing anything and everything possible. He radiates optimism and hope and shines so brightly every second he is alive, and i am constantly in awe of him
My sister: I love her so much, she has such a big heart , and is so simliar to me in a lot of ways. i am grateful we are slowly becoming closer every year and i know someday soon our relationship will be amazing. she gets me.
My grandparents: so fucking amazing, words cant desrcibe the lives they have led, and how they have given me the opportunity to do anything i could ever want to do
Drew French: I fucking love you, we are so similiar, we are both insane and we both live life in much the same way, w our hearts falling off of our sleeves, i will always love you
Lippy: You are intelligent, caring, and so aware of whats going on. you always extend me grace, and i value your frienshipds and your opinions so much. i love the way you live your life, it makes me think about mine on a daily basic, i love you
Gina: You are amazing. you are beautiful smart kind caring selfless,. what else is there to say. i love you
Zuri: you will always be there for me, you are a beautiful person, you are so honest in the way you live your life and interact with others. it is awesome to see. we will always be close.
Greg: you get it. you always make me feel better and see the good in me. you will always tell me something that will make me feel better about myself when i really need that and i love you for that. you are a great friend and i love ya.
kirk: i wished we talked more now, im so grateful you put up w me for 3 years, i will never forget the times we had in oahu, those were some of the best times of my life. you are awesome
Jessica: i love beings eems with you, we need to hang more, like of all the tiiime. someday u will find someone who treats ya right , and gives you waht u deserve, in a good way. i love u.

glitch:

There is glitch that exists in my mind. I am not entirely sure what is is. all i know is that it stops me from being myself( i think) and paralzyes me. Sitting at lunch today i suddenly was overcome with apathy and despair for no reason. Nothing happened to trigger it, no physical action, no word spoken, no thought started, it was just there. I used to feel like these feelings of despair and depression were me, that somehow i was these feelings and they were me.
However, lately i am starting to realize this might not be true. i think these feelings now, but i dont feel them. i understand that doesnt make sense, but i am not feeling my feelings right now. I get sad, but i dont really truly FEEL sad. I get mad, but i dont really get mad. for instance, someone cuts me off on the road, im upset , i flip em off, but inside im not really that mad, im just reacting. i feel like a robot in the way i deal with things.

This brings up another interesting thing that happened to me recently. i was reading horoscopes as a joke with someone, and mine was telling me not to be robotic during sex. that sounds ridicuous i know, but it relates to how i am now. i have all of these different learned responses that i robotically go through in daily situations. i have dulled my feelings with these and now feel more empty every day. i do not want to be a robot in any way, i want to feel, i want to experience the ups and downs i used to. i would rather deal with that as opposed to dealing with having no emotions. im not really sure how to do that, but i know i need to figure out how to get rid of this THING, whatever it is, that i created to assuage the intense emotions i was experiencing