Death

I have spent my entire life fearing my eternal death
Yet when all is wrong, I crave it, I am drawn to it

I pray for the terrifying thought of nothingness
A not blackness that I will not understand in life

I wish for it, dream for it, beg for it, i pray for it
Come close to me, save me from this

What could be worse than this feeling
Misunderstanding, hate, love, fucked all fucked all fucked

And life becomes me, fear always wins,
The knife never digs deep enough, the fire is never hot enough

And I am stuck waiting, for eventually it will come

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I have always said "I can't write a good love poem to save my life."  But, it wasn't until tonight that I finally realized why.  In the most cliche fucking way possible, I have never learned to love myself.  I have never learned to trust myself.  I have never trusted myself to follow through, to finish, to do what's right.  I often do those things, but not with faith.  And I don't trust others so how could I love them? How could my love be anything other than tainted, shredded, just tatters of something that could be infinite. 
I feel i am all the cliches.
I am loving others because i cant love myself
helping others because  i refused to help myself
and im dying

i feel like i am inside infinite jest
and i am silently on fire
and nobody can see my flames
and people keep telling me everything is ok
but if they could really see me they would know that it isn't ok

i want someone to tell me it's not ok
to look at me and see me
tell me i'm borderline or bipolar or anything to put a name on this so i can fix it
because broken isn't a name, it's just depressing

and i can't do this much longer
I can hurt myself forever, but i can't keep hurting people i want to love

And I can't keep dating people who I know will be careless and reckless with my feelings
because it is safe
Because the real risk would be in loving someone who shocked me with a lie, where it wasn't expected
An actual change would be in being with someone who is good to me, in ways i don't think i deserve

A risk would be trusting myself, and doing the ultimate cliche, believing in msyelf