communication

I try to be honest, I always have, but to be honest I'm not always telling the truth.  Like most people(yes C, I know I'm a human and have lots and lots in common with most people), I am not always honest with myself.  I often don't know what I want, who I want, or even who I am.  These are platitudes and simple but they are true.  There is a fine line between wanting to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and also wanting people to be responsible for their own behavior no matter what their trauma history or struggles are.  There's a fine line between giving myself the benefit of the doubt and holding myself responsible for my behavior.  Patterns are hard to break, and many of mine are old.  Maybe I'm a fool and rush in, I probably am.  It's easy to make up stories, to tell myself I loved her, that I was kind to her, that I had trouble sharing my feelings, that she was kinder to her ex that called her "pure fucking evil" and hurt himself in front of her than she was to me.  But those are just stories, and no matter how much truth they have they don't matter, and accepting that is really fucking hard.  The truth is, we talked so much for so long that not having her around is a shock to the system.  I thought she wanted to be my friend, and I guess not. I have a hard Time believing she doesn't want to be because it took me an extra couple weeks to realize she was gone.  I mean I sort of knew, but accepting it was another matter.  If she thinks it's worse to send her an intimate series of drawings because I felt that we were still together, in my feelings, than it is to call her names like her other ex did, then that's what she thinks, and it is probably more complicated than I understand.

I fucking miss her, I also am mad at her.  I read old text messages from her because I got a new phone and for some reason texts from 2019 were all that existed.  She changed, she didn't like me as much once she started loving me.  That sucks. Hopefully the next time I date someone I pay more attention to the dynamic shifts as the relationship grows.  For now, back to hard self work like always.

thoughts from being Hi

I am on the big island staying w two friends and their 6 month baby for a couple months.  Last night, I got stoned for the first time in a while, properly stoned.  I realized that I carry an intensity with me that other people can feel.  I think this is part of the answer of why the people I date seriously, often get angry with me. I think my intensity is felt, even if I think I'm keeping it to myself.  All my life, friends and partners have said that I'm better to be around when I'm stoned or drunk, which hurts to hear.  When I am drunk I feel lighter, but not when I'm high.  When I'm high I can't keep up with my thoughts, they are going so fast, and I often don't trust the person or people I'm with to be able to understand them.  This is what I want out of close friends though, someone who I believe can understand the way I see the world.  When I'm stoned, I realize how much I like being alone.  When I'm alone I'm with someone who can understand me.  Most of my thoughts feel like epiphanies.  Big dog hated this, but I don't know another way of being.  They would tell me that my epiphanies were obvious and this is where she misunderstood me.  It isn't about me discovering things for other people, or to share some knowledge, but that I can actually feel them and I want to share them w her because they are a deeply felt part of me.  She never got this.  She saw me as arrogant or needing to be special, which I acknowledge both of those things are part of me often enough, but the epiphanies are about feeling something in my body that I had intellectualized for a while, or that I had never even thought of before and it changes how Im going to live...seems kind of important to share.  I am annoyed at Big Dog.  I am feeling good about being alone though.  I got stoned w a stranger last night and felt that strong desire to be alone, which I think was helpful, because I've had so much alone time the past few months.  Sometimes, it is important to remember how much I can get out of time alone even though I'm hyper social.  I missed time with myself last night when I was stoned and with someone I couldn't share all my thoughts with.  I think that was a positive experience.  I am reminded that I like me, even if lots of other people don't, even if I have done horrible things, and even if I don't like all the parts of me.  I know I try, I know I care deeply about the people I'm close to, and that I am still working on being better at showing it and not hurting people I'm close to as much.  I will keep trying, I know that about myself.  I'm a hopeless romantic, an idealist in nihilist clothing, and I am the most compassionate sociopath you will ever meet haha

I'm pretty fucking angry

I realize lots of this doesn't "matter."  But, for some reason my ex is angry w me! Shocker, that seems to keep happening and is the reason I've been in therapy lately, to try to prevent that. well, despite the work ive been doing it didn't help.  She doesn't believe me, she thinks I called her last week when I didn't. I'm fucking angry I dont feel seen.  I didn't yell at her, I didn't harm her intentionally, I honestly feel In our 1 on 1 interactions I treated her well. of course I fucked up and didn't say the right thing and made mistakes, but I really dont think any of them were like SO out of line.  She is acting w more anger towards me than her most recent ex who called her pure evil, smashed his head in front of her, and said all kinds of hateful things.  Why does she have more sympathy for him?  Because he has a hard childhood? So fucking did I.  But no, she can't see that.  It feels like she just seems me as privileged in every way,, that someone my life was perfect.  well fuck you.  I have known suffering. I've lost people I love dearly, I've had more broken bones than I can remember and had fucking cancer, which is still part of my life.  I miss my dead older sister every fucking day.  I have felt alone w out her since I was a child.  I have had something missing my entire fucking life.  And this guy calls you pure fucking evil? he smashes his head open in front of you? I would never do that. I never treated you like that. I had respect for you.  And you show him more respect .  You are ready to throw me out of your life caz why? You fucking re triggered yourself w other people while we were together.  You dated a guy you called "rapist Brian."  fuck that.  what the fuck.  I didn't pull that shit while we were together.  You laughed about it.  I get that your history is personal, but I have my own history with dating people and caring for them while they retraumatize themselves and you made a joke of it.  you broke a big promise to me around something important and acted like it was nothing, like it was my fault.  I never raised my voice to you once, I never said something horrible about your character.  And yet, you stand on a self righteous perch.  You said all kinds of heinous shit to me and I let it pass because you were angry.  But oh no, I'm the bad guy? Am I the bad guy because I didn't  want to have sex for a month while you were here? Sorry I have my own shit going on that I explained had nothing to do w you.  Am I the bad guy for what? For not believing in the bullshit politics that you don't even believe in, you just are afraid to leave them because of what it would mean for your life and social circle.  Some of your friends fucking suck.  They shame you for not going to protests? The assuage their guilt by giving money to random POC ? That doesn't change shit, that just makes them feel better. Honestly fuck them and fuck you for not having the guts to say what you believe.  You told me you come up w ideas and work thru them on your own? Well fuck that. We all need help, maybe you should get some.  You are still seeing the same therapist you know sucks, because its easier than being challenged.  Fuck that.  Fuck you.  I wasn't going anywhere.  I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't going anywhere. I was there, I was there, Even when I wasn't I was coming back.  I made a commitment and it meant something to me.  You act like we are nothing now.  What because a month passed we are nothing? What changed? what the fuck changed? nothing , or something.  And you won't tell me what except somehow you are so much better off w out me? Why? I supported you when you called.  I didn't judge you for your job for a second.  Fuck this. I want more than you gave. I want more trust. I want someone who loves me when I'm most myself.  You wanted a toned down version of me, just a little edgy but not fully honest.  That's not who I am and you knew that the whole time.  Don't blame me for not liking the person I showed you I was from the beginning. I'll hold myself accountable for not making it more clear that I wanted to be seen and accepted for who I was. I'm so fucking mad at the tone of your email. Taking the high ground.  Acting like my present was inappropriate because it had silly depictions of us hooking up.  Well Guess what dude, we did hook up, That happened, and for the most part it was really fucking NICE.  So not sorry that I wanted a happy memory of our time together, That I wanted you to think well of me.  But that's my problem, I should just let you think whatever you want, but I want to care about your opinion....but now I can't , Im so fucking mad. and you've never even seen me mad. you've never once been in a room w me where I was actually mad, and good for you.  Another part of me you will never know.

The universe is conspiring against me

So of course, on A Wednesday morning, the day after therapy, when I have a full week to my next appointment everything went to hell.  Today was the day I quit smoking: I am quarantined on big island w 2 friends and their baby w no car, no access to cigarettes.  I am force quitting. So I woke up with no cigarettes or ability to get them, from horrible nightmares.  Steph and A were somehow combined into one person who was dating my roommate and I couldn't get her to leave my house.  I was super annoyed and the guy was lecturing me and I felt a distance and a lack of love, which is not how Steph has been treating me lately and it was like old Stephanie and A put together into one person who hated me.  Then to make matters worse, I got a horrible email from the big dog.  I am so fucking annoyed.  I called them on ACCIDENT! it was a fucking accident. it was pretty easy to realize.  Why the fuck would I FaceTime call them in the middle of her workday? why the fuck would I do that? How does it even benefit me? I hoped the call didn't show for her, or that if it did she would see the time and that it was FaceTime and that I didn't leave a message or text and realize it was a FaceTime accident. But no, she felt the need to tell me she doesn't want to talk to me! oh I didn't realize that you didn't want to talk to me after you DIDNT FUCKING TALK TO ME FOR 2 MONTHS. I fucking GET IT.  I get it. I get it I get it I get it I get it I fucking get it I fucking GET IT.

No fucking good faith.  Oh and you didn't like my birthday presents? The ones I told you I was sending and you consented to? OK? well throw them in the fucking trashcan for all I care. They are yours , it is a gift, if you don't like it burn it throw it in the fucking trash, whatever.  I thought it was cute, you thought it was inappropriate.  Maybe I just wanted you to think well of me and us.  Maybe I didn't want you to see a year of your life with me as shitty.  Maybe I wanted you to have fondness even if we never talk or date again.  But sure, I guess it's fucked up.  FUCK THAT. I don't think it is.  I don't think it was inappropriate.  We did fuck, and I sent them less than 3 weeks after you told me you still wanted to date just not be partners, which honestly , fuck that.  What the fuck do you think I think? That you don't acknowledge that you got the presents, didn't email me back, never texted me, and I think you want to be intimate w me? I fucking get it dude. When you don't talk to someone for 8 weeks it is pretty obvious YOU DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TALK TO ME.  I GET IT.  But thanks for the email saying as much with no benefit of the doubt.  I didn't treat you shitty while we were together, 99% of the time I was sweet and loving and the other 1% wouldn't fit a single human's definition of abuse or misconduct.  When I hurt you it was never out of malice and it was never physical or anything fucked up, it was disagreements over fucking racism , or some abstract political thing like fucking mutual aid.  I hurt you because I was having issues with my sex drive and wanting sex for a month, oh sorry!? I'm pretty sure if that was reversed you wouldn't have even had the least bit of understanding if I was upset w you.  Never, no way.  You didn't respect my fucking boundaries. I was fucking crying and being vulnerable and sharing what was going on w me and I fucking know you didn't see me.  You were too caught up in your own shit to see what I was sharing w you.  And that's OK, I get it.  I've done the same thing before in other ways, but you should fucking own it the way I own the shit I did that I wish I regret.  You told me when we broke up that we didn't do anything really bad to each other.  You are acting differently now, and that's trash.  Your fucking ex beat himself, screamed, and called you evil and a bunch of horrible names.  I dont think I ever name called you and I handled myself well when you were shitty to me, but sure tell yourself whatever the fuck story you need to tell yourself.  fuck this, fuck fuck fuck fuck this.  Fuck this shitty fucking day im so fucking over this shit.  Oh really Big dog? you are risking our friendship because you need space? Fuck space, space is bullshit. Just say what it is dude, you don't want to be in relation w me you dont need to use a euphemism I fucking get it.  FUCk EVERything

Tuesday means therapy

Today I woke up and made espresso and wrote a chapter in my book about the first time I had violent sex.  I didn't feel connected To it, but I didn't feel distant either.  I then made pizzas from scratch, breadfruit fries and guacamole from fruits I found on the island and then hung out with a baby and made a big dinner and read Angela Carter and swam and did therapy.  It didn't feel like I did much today until I typed it all out.  I miss Big dog still.  I feel really confused.  I hate the term "space." It doesn't fucking mean anything.  If you don't want to talk to someone or see someone you should just say that.  My generation and the one below me uses the term space so freely it becomes a margarine word, slippery and without meaning.  She needs space? how much? Why? To move through things? what things?  I feel angry and insecure.  I worry she's w this other guy she used to date a long time ago or someone knew, that she moved on quickly, that I was too much, that I wasn't enough, that if I acted differently she would be here with me on the big island for this month and we would be hanging by the pool and cooking fancy meals and fooling around in the pool and hot tub and my bedroom with AC that I set to 64 degrees.  She wouldn't want it that cold, I would compromise.  I compromise more than it seems like I do.  I'm supposed to just let my feelings go.  I don't even know.  I have too many and not enough at the same time.  I want a time machine. I want to fix things. I want to ask her questions.  I want to explain myself.  I'm worried she doesn't value me, and that love means something very different for her than me.  I dunno.  This sucks.

Well what the fuck

I'm at a mansion by the beach in the big island.  I have my own wing, and a hot tub and pool right outside my window.  Big dog would love it here.  I made her drawings for her birthday and never knew if they got there.  I worried she was dead today.  Then I worried that she jumped into another relationship.  I hate when people do that, it makes me feel replaceable, which I guess we all are and aren't at the same time.  I don't understand what's going on.  It's been like 8 weeks since we talked. or more, or less. fuck I don't know.  I don't really understand.  I don't know what her story is , what her stories are.  It's been hard to write since I got here. I fell out of my routine, but I'll try again tomorrow.  I'm going to write about snail, which is a relationship I thought I understood while it was going on and realized after it was over that I didn't.  The difference is that I thought snail would always be my best friend and I thought Big Dog would always be my lover.  I don't even know if Big dog knew that.  Not much to do in life but move on.  My therapist told me to treat the relationship like it is dead, and that sometimes things rise from the dead, but that we can't count on it.  I have fantasies of becoming a famous author, and she wants me...but I want to be wanted for who I am now.  I honestly was happy w her as she was, I didn't need her to change, but maybe she didn't feel the same way about me? I dunno.  I'm left with more questions than answers and at some point I'm going to need to stop asking questions and just grieve and let go.  But, I'm still not ready.

sometimes

sometimes it isn't bad.  I liked my relationship with big dog because when her and I were dating, and I was out living hanging w friends whatever, on my own, I had very little anxiety.  That anxiety has come back since we broke up, and hanging with friends is harder now.  I guess breakups are just hard.  Part of me feels like the breakup was the wrong thing, because I'm coming out of the relationship and throwing myself into a project even through my sadness about it.  Usually, I just feel like I made a ton of bad choices.  While I have regrets, I think for the most part I was sweet and caring and kind to her.  I really love her and I feel like I showed that a lot.  Of course I made mistakes, but I also think I did a lot right.  I'm gonna keep throwing myself into writing, keep looking into MFT programs, and let the pain of the losing her sink in.  It's been enough time, I need to let myself feel the sadness more often so I it hurts less