reasons to live:

i want to love again.
i want to have a kid.
i want to help create a world where it is right to bring a child into.
i want to travel.
i want to spend more time w those who i love.
i want to become the man i believe i truly am.

my name is james and i am an emotional addict:

so tonight i came to a realization. i am addicted to being on an emotional rollercoaster. my relationship with aly came with almost daily ups and downs, and extreme ones, involving yelling, crying, and just an overall outpouring of emotion. and the weird part is, i liked it, i wouldnt have had it any other way. every little thing set me off, any tiny lie would drive me crazy, id question her love, whether or not she wanted to spend her life w me because of tiny actions. i wanted to talk about everything, and i wanted to talk about it right now. i didnt want to wait a second, everything was urgent. right now i miss that, i miss the emotional rollercoaster. calling it a drug isnt exaggerating, im addicted, i miss it so much. i miss intense emotions, i miss having something that matters right now. at this point in my life nothing really feels that important. i dont care very much about that much. i miss my friends, i miss talking about things, i dont have conversations on politics and life that much anymore, maybe i should go to class more, maybe i should read more, maybe i should go do more random things. but really all i wanna do is sit in my room and think about all these things. actually, maybe thats what i really dont want to do. i need intense emotion, and i need to find it in something besides a relationship w a girl.

i was infinitely happier walking the lonely streets than i was inside the bar(the red lion). maybe i should try to never surround myself w lots of people who mostly just annoy me. maybe part of it is me, im not sure. either way, its hard to have a good time w out being distracted by a buncha people actin in ways which i can only assume will end up causing themselves more pain physically and emotionally. yeah, its empty. but what is full, is living ur life constantly thinking about every minute detail and every relationship living ur life fully, i personally would say no. but also, i wouldnt say going out "partying" all the time is either. i have serious issues w the act of getting drunk, yet i smoke weed on a fairly occasional basis. i consider getting drunk to be different, mind altering in a differnet way, and more harmful and dangerous to those around you. for me, getting high is a way to distract myself from my problems w out hooking up w random girls, getting emotional, or all the bullshit that goes w getting drunk. one could call it a crutch(no pun intended) but i dont do it often enough for it to be a crutch. anyways, i guess i should prob just not go out to these places if all it does it give me a deep feeling of unhappiness about the world and my life.

mariah carey:

sings a song called "we belong together." so after work i was checking out and the song playing in the office was we belong togehter, a corny catchy awful song which is associated w aly, gf of 4 years who i planned on marrying. this is because she left me messages singing along to it when she heard it on the radio. so the question remains, how does one go from sending those messages to having no desire to talk to me and being maybe in love w someone else. its just, depressing. i try not to let it affect me, its been about 10 months since we broke up which i guess is a long time. but unfortunately, i still think about it everyday. i havent gone a day in the last 10 months so 10 times 30, 300 days in a row thinking about someone who doesnt want any part of me for the rest of her life except maybe as a bullshit friend. obviously, i am the first to recognize this is unhealthy and harmful, but fuck, i honestly cannot control it. ive taken anti Ds, anti anxiety medicine, ive seen therapists, talked to my friends till they wanted to kill me. i dated a girl who i had real, deep , sincere feelings for, who i cared about a ton. but none of this made me stop thinking about her for even one day. fuck. ive surfed, ive read, ive come to a million realizations. she doesnt even get me, she never understood me, she loved me for lots of reasons, i think lots were because i showed her a million things and in a sick fucked up way almost looked up to me for a while, because i taught her so many things about the world and how people are around each other that she was never aware of. and its not just that, theres a million reasons i shouldnt be w her, but the fact is i still love her. and deep down i still feel that we belong together...