Hogg by Delany

I just finished Hogg by Sam Delany.  I spent the last hour looking at online reviews to see if anybody had anything interesting to say...I found little.  I guess that means eventually I will have to write something about the book myself.  I have been on the edge of tears since I finished it, and I can't exactly say why?  Maybe it felt overwhelming?  Maybe lately I have been trying to be more honest with myself about the world and body I inhabit?  I am unsure.  It is a novel narrated by an 11 year old boy who joins a gang of rapists for hire.  I found myself having to put the book down every so often, but I always was compelled to pick it back up quickly thereafter. 

I think the fact that the book deals with the supposedly darkest parts of human life, is what makes it feel so personal.  For instance, " She was staring at me... I felt my face trying to mimic hers, as though that would let me know what was going on inside her."  Have you done that before?  Have you tried to imitate someone to understand them?  Does it help? I think not, but we do it.  Understanding others is a myth, we can't know what makes them tick.  At the end Hogg believes cocksucker(the name of the main character) wishes nothing more to be with him, but cocksucker actually wants to be elsewhere, because the two men he was fucking in the docks had more dick cheese, and Hogg comes too often, 8-9 times a day, to build up the cheese that cocksucker likes.  This may seem silly, but if we accept that there is no inherent meaning, and that we decide or are given our own meaning, than how is this different than if cocksucker "loved" these men.  Again, Delany at his peak here is forcing the reader to deal with some very basic but often ignored questions.

The other thing I got from the novel was actual queerness.  Not some fetishization of abnormal behaviors or of gayness.  Instead, it was characters with fluid desires who realize them.  This may seem "fucked up" and maybe it is, but it is against identity in a challenging way.  Hogg explains his desires

"I think I ain't never met a normal, I mean normal, man who wasn't crazy! Loon crazy, take 'em off and put 'em away crazy, which is what they would do if there wasn't so many of them. Every normal man -- I mean sexually normal, now -- man I ever met figures the whole thing runs between two points: What he wants, and what he thinks should be. Every thought in his head is directed to fixing a rule-straight line between them, and he calls that line: What Is. [...] On the other hand, every faggot or panty-sucker, or whip jockey, or SM freak, or baby-fucker, or even a motherfucker like me, we know --" and his hands came down like he was pushing something away: "We know, man, that there is what we want, there is what should be, and there is what is: and don't none of them got anything to do with each other unless --"

DON'T NONE OF THEM GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER.

Delany also makes some social commentary which borders on the way Frank Wilderson discusses race and systems of control. 

"Men hate bitches the way white men hate niggers. [...] Long as they do like we say they're suppose to do, everything always looks fine. But let one of them get even a little, teeny, weeny bit out of line, then you watch what happens -- we wanna kill. We may not kill, but we wanna kill. Well, if I was a bitch and knew what I know 'cause I ain't one, I'd get out there and start killin' first."

This is some feminist stuff from the 70's probably, but it also is an interesting way of critiquing post-racial america.

I will have more thoughts another time, but I needed to get some of this out.  

rage cage

Had a weird weekend with my new crushy person A.  We spent 4 days together mostly camping in the woods of santa cruz.  I thought overall it went pretty well.  Apparently, not so much.  She told me she felt like a reified creature created out of external desires and that made her disassociate and feel really shitty.  I wore it hard, and sent a ridiculously long and personal email all about my past and issues with physical intimacy and relationships.  Now, I am feeling pretty angry at myself for wearing her words so hard and for creating a whole situation out of it.  I let her words effect me way too much, especially since they were all really fucking vague.  So here I am waiting for an email from her, and feeling pretty unhappy w spiraling negative feelings.  I am pretty over that.  fuuuuuck

thoughts on this weekend

just spent 4 days in a row, literally, the entire time, with someone new i like.  Need to process, kinda wish i could do the whole thing over, took some heavy and probably correct criticisms....wish i didn't still have baggage from my time with stephanie...fuck, rushing to work now

they made me cry

I have been seeing this person for two months now.  Let's call them snail, because that is how they associate.  So, snail and I see each other once a week ish for a really long and intense hang out.  We read to each other a bunch, make out for hours, and beat each other up.  They tell me I am pretty and gorgeous and smart and amazing, all the time.  They tell me they like me while looking me in the eyes.  I also tell them these things, because I feel these things.

They came over this wednesday and we made dinner and then made out for a while.  We have been discussing the idea of me biting them until they cry, for the past few weeks.  We were discussing it at length last night.  Then, at some point in making out they asked if they could bite my back.  I said of course, and they began biting me all over my back.  At some point, it started to feel really intense and they stopped and laid down next to me.  As soon as they did, my whole back began to vibrate and it felt like I was being lowly electrocuted across my entire back and that my back was trying to escape my body.  I began to try to explain this and instead I just started crying and crying.  I wasn't sad and the biting hurt, but not enough pain on its own to make me cry.  Something about the whole thing, or my back, or how I feel about this person, made me spontaneously burst into tears as my body forced me into presence.  It was pretty fucking rad.

a few hours later, after getting stoned and walking to a park to go swing and play with trees and eat candy, I realized they were care taking me.  I asked them if they thought they were, and they said of course.  I then realized that I've never really been physical with someone who actually attempted to take care of me.  It was a weird feeling, since I am used to doing the care taking.  The best thing about our interactions is that we both care take each other.  We aren't dominant or submissive, we just are, we are fluid, we do what we want when we want, and often our desires intersect in really fucking amazing places.

That night was one of those nights that on its own will always be a happy and beautiful memory. 

Saturday Morning

I am sitting at my computer working on a piece of writing.  2 weeks ago I gave a talk on Slavery and BDSM in the Writing of Sam Delany at the BASTARD conference.  I am reworking my talk to make it into an essay type of thing....and these are my thoughts:

I am lonely often.  This seems silly because I already walked to Arizmendi w a friend and another friend sat and talked to me for an hour while I sit in our mural room working on things.  I went out with other friends last night and am waiting for my closest friend and his partner to wake up so that I can hang out with them.  I am rich in friends.  I have been rich in close friends for a long time now...basically 14 years.  I know how to be vulnerable and how to have other people be vulnerable around me.  I also constantly reevaluate my friendships and the ways I am acting, so that I am always learning new and better ways.  Despite this, I still sometimes feel the need to be alone. 

As Sam Delany says, “There are times when you must walk by yourself because it hurts so much to be alone."  Sometimes I want or need that pain.  I need to explore my desire for sadness, my desire for joy, my desire for static, and my desire for fluidity.  I try to tease out with I most identity with and which I want to keep. 

I really want to quit my fucking job

I want to go on a road trip for weeks with a smart and cute person where there is mutual attraction and lots of cuddles(it seems there is a decent chance this will happen for a 2 day period in 3 weeks)

I want to surf more, and maybe live someplace where that is more doable

I want to write more, possibly  even ficiton!