new years resolutions:

don't get angry at every little thing that happens
dont ever think anyone is out to get you, unless they really are, and the world as a whole or god doesnt count, especially since u dont even believe in him/her/it
get shit done. the little things that will make your life easier.
be more outgoing towards girls you are interested in
do more for your good friends, and the people who love you
write everyday. read everyday. live everyday.
surf everyday there are waves
get another job and make a plan for a new life direction starting this summer
save lots of money so you are free to travel or go where you like
call your grandparents and your aunt at least once a week minimum
find an outlet for your competitive nature, be it a sport that doesnt tear ur knees apart or anything positive
dont eat candy every single day
control your anger
dont misdirect your anger
always give 100% to the things you care about
dont be lazy
take more pictures
learn the guitar?
read something at first thursdays once before you leave
dont get into bullshit conversations when you have big problems with the premise. one good example is of demeaning conversations about women, dont get caught up in that bullshit.
other than that, just get shit done to make yourself and those around you happy, and live by all those lame cliches about the moment being a gift and all that crap, cause for the most part you know it is true

i read all these pieces of me tonight

to gina restani my good friend and housemate and my brother alex. it was cathartic. Oh yea, i was drunk also, which happens quite infrequently and always with a specific purpose. What was tonight's purpose? the short answer is; my brother is here and he likes to drink and i trust him and wanted to open up with him here. Let me finish that section by saying i have no trouble opening up without alchohol which i spend everyday of my life doing. let me also say that i can sense how incoherent this blog is due to situations out of my control....anways the whole point of this blog was quite simple. The point is: i am so fucking lucky. Individually, my brother and gina are fucking amazing. They each have certain qualities i would kill for and qualities i know i will never have that are so very unique in this world we live in. The reason that i am lucky is that i can call these people friends, i can honestly say they care about me and think highly of me. That simple fact is enough to bring a small moment of joy and contentment into my life. I am lucky.

My favorites from the last night of the earth poems by Charles Bukowski

Im not a huge bukowski fan and havent read him, but i know geoff from thursday is influenced by him so when i saw this book of poems at the bookstore for 2 bucks i figured wat the hell. anyways, im not completely enamored by his writing style but i did enjoy these..

Charles Bukowski
"the Aliens"

you may not believe it
but there are people
who go through life with
very little
friction or
distress.
they dress well, eat
well, sleep well.
they are contented with
their family
life.
they have moments of
grief
but all in all
they are undisturbed
and often feel
very good.
and when they die
it is an easy
death, usually in their
sleep.
you may not believe
it
but such people do
exist.
but I am not one of
them.
oh no, I am not one
of them,
I am not even near
to being
one of
them
but they are
there
and I am
here.


i feel like i have said and wrote the same words and comparisons to other people a million times in my life

you know and I know and thee know

that as the yellow shade rips
as the cat leaps wild-eyed
as the old bartender leans on the wood
as the hummingbird sleeps

you know and I know and thee know

as the tanks practice on false battlefields
as your tires work the freeway
as the midget drunk on cheap bourbon cries alone at night
as the bulls are carefully bred for the matadors
as the grass watches you
and the trees watch you
as the sea holds creatures vast and true

you know and I know and thee know

the sadness and the glory of two slippers under a bed
the ballet of your heart dancing with your blood
young girls of love who will someday hate their mirrors
overtime in hell
lunch with sick salad

you know and I know and thee know

the end as we know it now it seems such a lousy trick
after the lousy agony but

you know and I know and thee know

the joy that sometimes comes along out of nowhere
rising like a falcon moon across the impossibility

you know and I know and thee know

the cross-eyed craziness of total elation
we know we finally have not been cheated

you know and I know and thee know

as we look at our hands our feet our lives our way
the sleeping hummingbird
the murdered dead of armies
the sun that eats you as you face it

you know and I know and thee know

we will defeat death.


i love that, especially the last line.

Getting over it:
it seems like lately i cant stop running into people who are still in love w someone else. my roomate gina still loves her ex bf from high school. this girl sara im sorta interested in has issues w her ex or so i have heard that they still talk which makes me hesitant about pursuing her. Everywhere i go, someone is getting over their ex. Is this how love life is going to be, is everyone getting over their first real love forever, or is it only for a year or a few. Will i ever be satisfied that i am not with aly anymore? i dont know, but seeing other friends and how they have done attempting to get over exes im not so sure. I have a couple friends who are doing better than others. my roomate kirk loved his gf, even tho he would tell me he couldnt see himself marrying her, but i must admit i dont really believe he meant that. But even tho they sometimes hang out he is living his life w out stressing on a daily basis. My good friend chelsea seems to be totally over her ex but it might be easier for pretty girls cause they have lots of options, just like it seems kirk has a lot of options. Well, i dunno if thats true, i know some good looking girls who seem to have the same problem. Either way, i find this whole idea depressing. will i love again? i dunno, i mean it makes life worth living just that the possibility is out there. But, i dont want to be someones second favorite, i wouldnt want to marry someone or raise kids with them if they still have this special place for their first love which carries more emotional weight than our relationship. I dont want the next girl i get serious with to feel that way about me and my ex. i want something pure, but everything is tainted. everyone is tainted from mistakes made at young ages. my mistakes have been many and often, but always made out of love. how come i cant make a blog about love or relationships with rambling incessantly, im not quite sure.
On another note, the anger is still there, even hanging out with my brother i get full of rage, and i try not to take it out indirectly on other people who just happen to be there. i know when im happy i can be hilarious and fun, and lighten up a room, but i know that i can also bring a room down with my anger, cynicism, and depression. I dont want to do the latter. I want to make the lives of those i care about brighter and happier. I am going to strive to do that. after my dad visits things will change. if they dont change, i will move immediately, i dont know where, but im running out of options, and i must try something new. I cannot live this way anymore. I DONT WANNA LAY HERE ANYMORE
....ending an eems blog w a conor oberst quote always seem right to me,,,

Fury

I read Fury by salman rushdie about a month ago and i really enjoyed/related to it. this was mostly due to the content though as i wasnt in love with his writing style. While reading the novel i got the feeling that every character was ready to explode, that everyone was carrying this stuff inside that was just eating at them and there was no way to get rid of it. i feel this way right now. i have rage, tons of rage, welling up inside of me. I have no way to get this rage out, i can yell a million times, i can hit myself, i can write, i can try anything and it remains there. The same with the melancholy that resides inside as well. I can cry a million times and still it is just as strong if not stronger. I would do anything for a release, to have an hour a day a week without these intense feelings welling up inside me wanting to explode. But, instead of exploding, these feelings are tearing me apart, and ripping me to pieces. They are destroying my resolve, my motivation, and i search for something else. I cannot help but feel that this world is not for me; that as much as i love meeting interesting people, as much as i love seeing random acts of kindness, as much as i love my friends and family, that i was born for something else. whoever i am just does not fit into this society, this way of life. Its the little things that kill me. It's getting pulled over by a jerk cop who should be doing something positive, its a person who cares more about the rules than helping someone in need, its the millions of people voting for some bullshit self interest instead of the good of billions of others. It's nationalism, its patriotism, it's sensastionalism, its all the fucking ism's that people say and supposedly believe in that are tearing this world apart and taking me with it. It's borders, its capitalism, well i guess that one fits in w the other isms but it deserves its own diatribe. its "free market." Its everyone loving their own family but not giving a fuck about their neighbor, not giving a fuck about WHAT MAKES OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. its someone not letting me in, its someone taking up 2 parking spaces. Its a friend perpetuating stereotypes, when u know they are better than that. its a friend using racial slurs for no reason. its a random person thinking its ok to gaybash because well "thats fucking gross." these are all daily occurrences and i wonder, how can anyone live in this world and not be fucking angry as hell all day long. why does it make me so happy when i meet a person who is compassionate. should i be excited when someone is considerate. wouldnt life be easier if everyone was that way. Why cant everyone realize that if we just thought a lil bit about what makes our friends, family, neighbors, animals, and everything else that we COEXIST with happy, that life could be easy. Drinking would be unneccessary. Why do you need to drown your sorrows or your issues if everyone is there for you even if it is just to open a door, or smile, or wave hello. How is it possible to make other people understand that it is ok to be different, because it seems so simple. I dont think it takes a lot of intelligence to understand the concept of everyone being equal and everyone being in this, whatever this is, together. And the way the world is right now, i cannot seeing myself living in it for longer. If i am unable to find a way to change things a lil, or spread some understanding, then i will have to live out my life in some corner of the world where i dont need to deal w these everday things that are tearing at me, someplace i can just BE.

Homesick:
going to sleep freezing cold and waking up warm
throwing on a sweatshirt and taking frosty down to lost winds to check the surf
good friends who have always been there for me
family, even if most of our time is spent arguing, there couldnt be more love
so many more things that i cant wait to create for myself some day