What is the value of truth? I have spent 26 1/2 years putting a LOT of value in the "truth" and I am beginning to feel like it was a giant fucking waste of time. I am living in a world where the premier commodity is bullshit. Where people buy, sell, drink and eat bullshit all day long. Not much different than the George Carlin bit of the same vein. Everything you do is a lie. You wake up and your coffee, eggs, bagel, cream cheese, and fucking pastry are all bullshit. They all came to you via the abuse of some pour wretched tortured soul, human or other creature. You get in your car, you go to your bullshit job, you entertain yourself with your bullshit television. 95% of the world is living in a constant state of bullshit. Even the few of us who try to avoid it are still inundated and bombarded by bullshit on a daily basis and sometimes we are just too tired, or not strong enough people to get out of the way so we either stop in it or eat it. I figure that since I am dealing with bullshit in the world all day and night long, that at least I can get some fucking honesty and truth from the people I am close to.

By close to, I mean my family, friends, and significant others. I have always been that annoying person everyone hates who has to know every detail about everything. I'm either really interested in something or just not really interested at all. In general, we are raised to have disdain for people asking too many questions. We are supposed to go with the flow and figure things out along the way. I like to figure things out before. I am risk adverse. I am scared shitless. All of these mean that before I get involved in something I feel the need to know as much as possible. This means swimming around the bottom of a pool to see if it is deep before jumping 50 feet into it. Unfortunately, I do not extend this logic to relationships. Instead I jump in from 50 feet and usually end up crashing painfully onto a rock or jagged edge. This is AWESOME. Things work out GREAT when employing this tactic. This works especially well, when you are jumping off cliffs and are already bruised and bloodied from past falls. This lame metaphor is about done, because the real point of writing anything tonight was supposed to be "whether or not the truth matters."

Would I be better off living a lie and my version of the truth? I have always said no, but lately I am beginning to question that. Everyone around me seems to be living in dream worlds and fish bowls, but I am forcing myself to live with as much truth as possible and all I am getting from that is pain. Would I be better off lying to myself? Accepting the lies of those close to me? Maybe, but I just cannot wrap my head around this as an acceptable way to live. With so much bullshit in the world all I want is something true. I want to feel it deep inside me. I want it to be unquestionable and impregnable. I want a truth so real that nobody can steal it from me.