being reasonable

It's gonna be two weeks without seeing them.  It's weird being in such an intense relationship with someone I go a week or two without seeing, especially when I live only 10 minutes from snail.  Our communication is pretty solid.  I didn't realize they were taking a break from seeing me til last week when they canceled our plans for Friday night slumber party...Then this morning in an email they mentioned they were taking a break without specific details.  Something about being taken over by feelings, so I am not sure if things got too intense again or something else.  I will email them back soon ish and try to figure it out.  The positive is there is a lot of space for me to be on my own.  I have a lot of time to myself.  The radio show is seemingly doing pretty well, though I miss my close friend and radio partner B.  Maybe more later...writing has been hard while being down the last few weeks.

more on feelings

Things finally got to a point today where I felt that my feelings were having negative effects on my close friendships.  I really annoyed my close friend C today, just because I am manicy and off.  I can't seem to hold a feeling for any fucking length of time.  I spent most of the last 3 hours wondering if I should burn myself or if I am fundamentally flawed.  I haven't had the fundamentally flawed problem in a looong time.  Most days I am pretty happy with just being a person or assemblage or whatever the fuck I am.  I am annoyed that this might have something to do with A, the person from Santa Cruz.  Most of my relationships are going really well right now, so it's hard to tell what the fuck is going on.  Instead of taking benzos or burning myself I got stoned, wrote this, will smoke a cigarette, and try to fall asleep and start over

feelz

soo....my brain chemicals are basically fucked at this point.  It's been like that for about a week or a week and a half now.  It's hard to tell why, it feels like chemical issues.  My house got sold and I am looking at having to move out in the next few weeks to 6 months depending on how things go.  Mixed feelings about this... I am gonna lose the recording studio for the radio show.  that sucks. 

my personal relationhips seem to be going well.  The person in Santa Cruz w the red flags that reminded me of Steph, I stopped seeing.  I am hanging with this person G who is really sweet and fun and silly, seems like a friends who hook up thing.  Then I am still seeing snail.  They are amazing and wonderful and sweet and I might be feeling like I love them.  That's a really intense thing to write and think.  Our relationship has a lot of solid boundaries, a shit ton of trust, and a reciprocity like I have never experienced before.  We take care of each other, while taking care of ourselves.  I love making out with Snail.  I love cuddling them.  I love their laugh, and smile, and the way they touch me.  This is my favorite relationship I have ever had that was physical.  I miss them and am also ok without seeing them for a while. 

But right now these feelings of emptiness, meaninglessness, and pain that border on depression are bothering me.  I don't knoiw what to do.