i had 3 minutes for stream of conscious writing today this is what i wrote

Free Writing Blues:

I walk a finite path
to the side, possibility
behind me, failures, regrets, a few successes
I stay on this path
This path is too small
I fall, but i rise and keep trudging along
the same God Damned path i have always been on
The sky is brilliant, open, unpredictable, free
I yearn to fly into it, way from myself
The road forks infinitely and draws me toward infinite possibilities
I stay on the road, concerned for my safety, afraid of failure
I stay safe, but agand and again i fail
I dream of stepping off this well-trodden path
but its still just a dream

This is my blog from last new years, im going to bold the resolutions i accomplished.

don't get angry at every little thing that happens
dont ever think anyone is out to get you, unless they really are, and the world as a whole or god doesnt count, especially since u dont even believe in him/her/it
get shit done. the little things that will make your life easier.
be more outgoing towards girls you are interested in
do more for your good friends, and the people who love you
write everyday. read everyday. live everyday.
surf everyday there are waves
get another job and make a plan for a new life direction starting this summer
save lots of money so you are free to travel or go where you like
call your grandparents and your aunt at least once a week minimum
find an outlet for your competitive nature, be it a sport that doesnt tear ur knees apart or anything positive
dont eat candy every single day
control your anger
dont misdirect your anger
always give 100% to the things you care about
dont be lazy
take more pictures
learn the guitar?
read something at first thursdays once before you leave
dont get into bullshit conversations when you have big problems with the premise. one good example is of demeaning conversations about women, dont get caught up in that bullshit.
other than that, just get shit done to make yourself and those around you happy, and live by all those lame cliches about the moment being a gift and all that crap, cause for the most part you know it is true

So I accomplished 2 of the goals i set for myself in a year. FUCK

i love making lists but unfortunately nothing on them ever gets crossed out. i still eat candy, and feel generally sick all the time. im still not doing the little things. Im getting better with my anger but very slowly. So overall, i am extremely disappointed in myself. This is no surprise, i spend most of everyday being disappointed in who i am and what i am doing. I have come to realize i am not the person i thought i was or planned on being at this age and that disappointment fucking weighs me down every day. The only positive is that it can change today and even though it probably wont i might as well give it another fucking shot caz hey, its my life and i can eventually take control. So with that , here are my resolutions for 2008.

Start running
Eat Better, you do not want diabetes and you live in fear of it so fix your diet
Read at least one book every month that really challenges you
Learn the guitar, for real, fucking learn how to play that thing
Don't drink, this year is going to be a sober year, you get 2 exceptions that is it
Go back to college in the fall
Get back some of your emotions, find them again
Write a novel, short story, novella, get back into writing
Make new friends, dont just keep the ones you have
Start surfing again
Keep up with playing basketball, it makes you happy
Start playing tennis again, look for people to play with
Start to be happy with yourself, give yourself small victories and enjoy them, set reasonable and reachable goals.
Finish City Year, but if you dont make sure you still keep up with volunteering the rest of your life on a consistent basis, because you like it
Don't watch crap on tv
Go to concerts/shows
Coach a kids sports team
Go to basketball games. 4 warrior games
No online poker
Improve your relationship with your bro/sis
Try not to indulge in obsessive thoughts/spiralling thoughts
LOVE YOURSELF