Existential Paralysis

I like the idea of having plans I never create any. Perhaps this is due to my intense fear of growing old which is already happening despite my frequent attempts to curb the aging process. As I get older I become more and more detached from the society I live in, yet at the same time, I am becoming sucked into its vast darkness more as well. So, when I think of these things, and when my thoughts spiral like a vortex which leads into an abyss of unanswered questions, I develop an anti-plan. I must admit though, it really is a plan, there is no way to coerce language so that I may convince myself it is what it is not. Because, Es O Si Que Es, it is what it is.
The basic idea is that I cut off all ties I have with the world and venture out on my own. Where will i go? No idea. What will I do? no idea. How long will I be gone? no idea. The attraction is that I am no longer responsible to anyone, but myself and hopefully I can become closer to answering some of the questions that haunt my thoughts throughout the entirety of my days on this planet. I am tortured by own curiosity, strangled by my inability to understand life's big questions. I am existentially paralyzed. I am drawn deeper into the abyss until finally one day I will lose the light and be stuck in this darkness.
Before this happens I would really like to just go. What would I leave behind? Those who I love. Would they understand? 2 answers here. 1. Does it even matter? yes and no. 2. I believe they would. Those who are close to me understand how much I am haunted by the smallest things "wrong" in our society. I can barely stand someone cutting in line, let alone someone voting against love( Gay marriage), or against welfare, or other social programs. Let me just say that I am not ignorant and am not one of those that believes everything is better in Europe. I have studied enough political science to understand things are marginally better, but that no European country, yes even you Sweden, is a utopia or even anything closely resembling one.
With this known, I just want to go. I love random interactions with people and sometimes i learn the most from these. And I do not believe any mind is totally lost. Every crazy person on the street has a different perspective, no matter how fucked up they are, or how fucked up they were by this world, their perspective gives them a different insight. Sometimes when asked the right questions a person will come up with the most unbelievably insightful thought. I love when I hear that small bit of genius in another human. It gives me hope. Hopes is dangerous, but sometimes it feels so good.
So to get back to the point, one day I will go. After I graduate I will have fulfilled what was basically asked of me by the people in my family that i care about, my parents, gammoo and papa jim. My brother, sister, and aunt just want whats best for me. They are all amazing at not having expectations of me other than knowing that if i do what I want I am capable of making the world a better place.
To live this dream I would have to undergo a lot of changes in the process. I would have to overcome my fear of plans, loneliness, loss of connection, and let go of all the idyll distractions I have in my life to keep my mind from running away with me. Where to first? Im thinking southeast asia because well fuck, Ive never been on a surf trip and what better way to start. Alone, in an unknown place, with lots of books and no connections. A fresh start, I can do/be whatever i want without having to answer the questions of anyone but myself.
Sometimes I have this dream...but it is sooooo incredibly hard to fulfill, but sometimes....it is so close that I can taste the actual freedom....the ability to just be on my own and find some peace with myself. Until that day I remain existentially paralyzed, a body and mind held hostage by myself. One day, one day soon, i will break the lock and just go